Being a crossdresser can be lonely, exhilarating, sad, joyful, and depressing. It was when the depressing part of things started to impact my life that I knew I could not hide forever.
I came out to my wife of 20 years less than a month ago. Seeking to end the guilt, shame and the ever-present fear of discovery I told her everything. She was not extremely surprised but I could see the shock of realization in her eyes. The realization that “My husband isn’t really my husband any more”. There were tears at that moment. Mine and hers. We decided to work this out together.
My teenage daughter knows as well. She has a strong sense of her own self and is very open and honest with my wife and I. As such, I had to be open and honest with her as well. I have chosen for my own reasons to keep this from my 2 youngest children. Until they grow older I want them to know me as Dad, not Rachel.
Since coming out, I vowed to keep our marriage intact. I am first and foremost, her loving husband and lifelong friend. Second, I am a father to my 3 kids. Third, I am a relatively cute woman who can walk in 4″ stiletto heels better than my wife.
My wife had already picked up on some not too subtle clues I had been dropping. My taking to wearing panties for the last few years was a big one. It started out as a dare when she wouldn’t wear a pair I bought for her one Christmas. To my surprise, I loved them. I started under dressing every day since. Then came the thigh high nylons (hint to new CD’s, pantyhose suck if you are wearing pants and have to use the men’s room). It was then I started to hide my purchases. Putting them on in secret and loving every silky second of it. Shoes were next. Oh, the lure of high-heeled pumps. By the time I had graduated to buying my first skirt, things were spiraling out of control.
“Is this just a phase?” “Some strange fetish?” New thoughts were spinning in my head. The big one for most ‘straight’ crossdressers is “Am I gay”? I am not. However, when I put on the skirt I felt something powerfully feminine inside me. I felt a sense of happiness and completeness that had been missing. I cried tears of joy and of fear. Fear that I was losing myself to something I could not understand. She is Rachel.