My new life as a transexual

Moving too fast

In my rush to come out to my wife and cope with my transgender issues I hurt her more deeply than I could have realized.
It all started with my mustache. I shave almost every day, a mundane part of my daily morning ritual. But not my mustache. It was a part of me that typified my maleness. I cannot remember a time that I did not have one. For 30 years it defined my face, the face I have had since I met my wife.I never gave it a thought. It was just there hanging on my lip not bothering me in the least. One morning looking at the gray creeping into it I decided to make a change. Something to signify the new me. The me which I would change to become a better person regardless of the crossdressing.
In one swift pull of a razor I committed a cruel and insensitive act that ripped my wife’s vision of her husband from her. As shocking as it was for me to see myself in the mirror it was doubly so for my wife. It was done without her knowledge and only helped to support her feelings that I only cared about reaching my goal of being Rachel. Unfortunately it was true. I had many other very valid reasons for shaving. But, that last reason was left unspoken. I had reverted back to the old comfortable and safe way avoiding conflict by hiding the truth from her and myself.
That one singular, almost violent act of desecration to my face brought Rachel closer and pushed my wife away. For 20 wonderful and amazing years my wife saw me as one person. Now she was seeing two. A female me in skirt, heels and wig constantly shadowing my every move. I have never dressed for my wife and I have no immediate plans to do so. That would have to wait for a time of my wife’s choosing not mine.
Imagination can almost be as powerful as reality. I didn’t have to present my self as Rachel, she was already there. My wife can no longer look at me without seeing her worst fear incarnate. The time we should have used to prepared for this is gone. The time for gradual acceptance is lost.
I can argue that it is my body and I can do with it what I please. Just as much as I value the image of myself as a woman, my wife values the image of me as her man. It falls on me to help make this right. I have to look beyond my needs to make sure my wife gets a tangible piece of her husband back. I am going to grow my mustache back. I can only hope that she sees that I am willing to change my focus from myself to her. That I do this out of love and not because it will push the underlying issues aside. I want to become more conscious of her feelings and accept my part in making her feel loved and cared for.
If you have recently come out, or are still in the shadows waiting too, please tread carefully. To make a relationship work their has to be honesty. Without honesty there can’t be trust. Without trust there cannot be unconditional love.
If you want to work toward acceptance of your crossdressing with your wife or girlfriend remember that it takes both of you to accomplish that goal.
I frequently remind myself being a crossdresser has made me selfish. It’s about what ‘I’ want to do; what ‘I’ want to experience. I wasn’t expecting to have to give up anything. All the while, my wife is expected to give up more than I will ever realize. -Rachel


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