I have been focusing alot of my free time on my health and appearance. I’ve lost over 20 pounds since December. I’m not that big anyways but those 20 lbs really were not flattering. I also have been doing yoga to help with with my posture and flexibility. Another few weeks of crunches should give me a flatter tummy. (I have joked with my wife that bikini season is fast approaching). She also has been losing weight and exercising more. And I can honestly say my wife looks hot and I am a little jealous of her curves.
I am glad that my one win with genetic roulette has been my relative lack of body hair. It’s been about 9 months since I first started shaving my legs. Nylons look awful with leg hair and i love the smooth feeling. My wife couldn’t understand why I would bother but she didn’t seem to mind after a while. At that time she didn’t know i was wearing thigh highs almost every day under my work clothes. Recently my arm hair has been bothering me since I have a beautiful slinky black dress that is sleeveless. I don’t have ‘gorilla’ arms but the hair I had is definately not attractive in that outfit. I do have a couple of other tops that benefit from hairless arms too. Because of my wife’s negative reaction to my removing my mustache I told her what I was considering and she just said it was my choice. Well I’m nearly hairless now and I’m starting to really see myself with a more feminine body. I never cared much about my appearance except keeping clean and not looking messy. In fact now I am getting a little vain. I wonder about a little tuck around the eyes or maybe a bit of FFS (facial feminizing surgery). Maybe a bit of electrolysis or laser hair removal. Even hormone treatment has it’s allure with softer skin, some breast growth, and a little softening in the face and other areas.
At this point I have to step back and really look at myself. I haven’t even experienced being Rachel as a complete person yet. I dabble in clothes and makeup but I’m nowhere near ready to step out into the world en femme. I have to ask myself what is my goal. Is is to be happy being a woman sometimes? Or is that happiness only going to come through a full transformation? Now I come back to the transition question. Will that ultimately make me truly happy? Maybe, but I know several people that would be unhappy with that choice. Me being one of them.
I hear trans people tell me “be true to yourself”. Am
I not being true to myself if I don’t transition to keep my marriage and my family? They are my greatest source of joy in this world. Plus my gender dysphoria is not based on my genitals or my lack of breasts. It’s a need to dress as a woman and experience life as that woman, even for just a while. I never felt as though I was a woman trapped in a man’s body. I just felt that if I was going to present as a woman I would make the effort to do it the best I can.
I think for now I will keep working out. Experimenting with makeup and fixing my eyebrows. Playing with breast forms. Feminizing my voice and movements. And doing all the other things that will make Rachel look as fabulous as I can make her.