This is a post that I was going to put up a couple of weeks ago and though I had lost the original.
I was sick for four days this past week. It was a great excuse to femme out a bit in an old pair of my wife’s satin pjs.
Saturday i was feeling quite a bit better and we decided to go through a ton of old clothes that were building up. My wife and I started losing weight this year and a good portion of our clothes don’t fit. Fortunately for me I now fit in some of her old clothes. My wardrobe now has a nearly new pair of jeans, some stretchy slacks that hug my bottom just right and a slinky black dress. The best part about all this was trying them on with my wife present. No disapproving looks or comments. She seemed happy that I was having a good time.
Later that afternoon we went out to buy my youngest son some new shoes. That was not a good experience. Because we decided not to tell our boys about my trans self until they were older, I had to be in Dad mode. Not easy after days of being ‘blurry’. ‘Blurry’ is my term for looking male but presenting a bit more femme. We couldn’t find any shoes for my son but my wife started looking for herself.
My wife never ‘shops’ for shoes. If she can’t find something in 5 minutes or less she leaves. Now she was trying on all kinds of things, pumps, strappy heels, wedges, flats, you name it. I wasn’t prepared for the wave of intense jealousy that was building up inside me. To me she was flaunting her female privilege. It was like saying “see, I can try these on because I’m a woman”. That hurt me.
I switched from jealousy to a state of intense longing. Longing to be a part of what she took for granted. I think she noticed, since she put back the pair of sandals in her hand and we left. We did not speak for an hour after this. Looking into her eyes I think I saw that she was unprepared for the intensity of my feelings.
I have had some time to stand back and look at this a little differently. Transgenderism can make one focus too much on the ‘me’ and not on the ‘us’. I am going through some radical changes emotionally and psychologically, so is my wife. I tend to forget that. It’s quite possible that she is becoming a little trans too in her own way. I failed to see that she was able to explore some untapped store of her own femininity. That she could partake in the same joy I get in shopping for shoes would have been something foreign for both of us. For a crossdresser that is one of the rights of passage to the feminine world. It is also her right too. I should be proud of my wife’s newfound freedom to discover herself and to be just a bit ‘girly’ when the moment strikes.
Sometimes it can be hard to see how my being trans can have a positive effect on those around us and close to us. I normally brace myself for the negative effects that most would associate with crossdressing. But, I have been pleasantly surprised that almost everyone who I have come out to have accepted me and even complimented me on my honesty and courage. My gift has given me something beyond measure, the ability to effect lives beyond my own. Hopefully that effect will always be for good but I know that won’t always be the case. However that should not stop me from trying to change things for the better.