It has been a rough week for me. Actually a rough few weeks trans speaking.
I had agreed to be more like my old self around the house for the kids and the wife. I had lost a bit of my personality they liked and I wasn’t aware that I lost it. For my wife that was more important than the crossdressing stuff. I was becoming some woman and not the female version of myself. My family was starting to live with a stranger who was not me.
So I started recapturing some of the better parts of myself that were getting lost in transition. The stuff i’d like to keep no matter if I present as male or female. My core being, who am am and who i want to be. I did keep the mustache because it helped me to remember how to be more of a guy, a dad, and a husband. However, it’s been over a month since Rachel’s outing in the real world and she wants out again.
This fourth of July has been a little stressful around the house for the whole family. My daughter’s boyfriend and 2 of her best friends have moved away within a few days of each other. Boys are at each others throats. The xbox is out of commission so they fight over the Playstation and the PC. My wife and I are trying to figure out what we are going to do about finding a new place. The lease is up at the beginning of October so we don’t have much time.
Needless to say, my more feminine side has been rising to the surface during all this. I really femmed out as much as possible during the long weekend. I took every chance to dress as much as possible without drawing too much attention. Now it’s getting hard to resist the temptation to shop. I’m getting more anxious in stores with groups of women. I desire to be among them, to be one of them. My wife is very perceptive and has been giving me some space to be more myself. But I know it’s bothering her too.
I have been holding off shaving because my wife’s birthday is coming up and I want to do something special. I prefer to do this looking more as her husband than as Rachel. That way she can have a visual reminder of her husband on her birthday. I know that that is very important to her. But I don’t know if I can hold on until then. Every day I look in the mirror I look more and more like Rachel except for the lip hair. I want it gone. I have even started playing with makeup again regardless of the mustache. I end up looking hideous and on the verge of tears. My carefully remanufactured male facade is crumbling again as my true self fights to come out. If I wasn’t sure that I was transexual I am now.
I was on the phone with Becky the other day and she told me basically the same thing. Just listening to me on the phone she said “If you had any doubts that you are a girl forget them. You ARE a girl!”
Well I am a girl so I had better start figuring out what going to happen before I can become a woman.