I am sitting and watching my chinchillas romp around their cage while I write this. They don’t care if I am trans or not. They just want scratches and treats. My life is not so easy.
Still I sit in my living room feeding raisins to two living balls of fluff. Life has changed in big ways for me and my family. I marvel at what has happened over the last nine months. But what is more astounding to me is that it didn’t end. Life did not end because I am transgender. No gigantic explosion or horrible disaster happened like I envisioned. Life goes on.
Things have shifted focus though. I worry about my dad a lot. I am the one that has to help support him now. His finances and bills are my responsibility. He may lose his house too. This is what fills my mind right now. Dysphoria has taken a back seat for once. The stress I felt fighting my transition has come back because of my dad’s situation.
This time though I seem to be able to handle the stress better than in the past. This is due in no small part to my being able to finally express myself as a woman. Because I don’t have that nagging feeling of not knowing what was wrong in my life, I find I cope a lot better with life. My wife still insists that I should be able the deal with this as a guy. She thinks I use my being transgender as an excuse. I say that if I had been able to deal with all this better as a guy, why would I go through all the trans stuff? Having to accept that I want to be a woman; part time, full time,whatever; has helped me understand myself better. I see things with a bit more clarity. My sense of family is decidedly more female. More nurturing. I am not saying that this is a new feeling it’s not. It was always there but clouded by the fact that I was trying to think things through in a very male analytical and logical way. A way that unfortunately never worked because my brain wasn’t wired as a male.
Throughout my life I have watched men deal with life’s problems. They were my role models of how I was supposed to be a man. I kind of wondered why that never seemed to solve anything for me. Now I have opened myself up to taking on life the way my brain always tried to. I think and feel as a woman. I no longer have to present as female to do this. I just do. That is the most amazing sense of freedom. Another barrier removed in my journey to become my true self. Whether I am a man or woman on the outside, I AM a woman on the inside. I just think it’s a bit sad that it took almost 50 years to figure that out.