The one thing we tell our significant others is that we are the same person inside. After I started transitioning I came to the realization that I wasn’t the same person. However, I would like to revise that statement. I am not ‘exactly’ the same person I was before.
I had rushed into creating a feminine personality to match the woman inside. In doing so I threw away a lot of my old personality that I didn’t think fit. Unfortunately, many of those traits are the ones that my wife liked about me. They also happened to be some of the traits my friends liked too.
As I become more comfortable being myself I find those traits coming back. My wife seems to like this me more. I stopped acting all femme and girly. I started acting like an adult woman. It turns out she is not that much different from my old self.
Oh, i would rather wear dresses and skirts than pants and dress shirts, that hasn’t changed. What also hasn’t changed is my love for cars, video games, technology, science fiction, and working with power tools. These interests don’t make me less of a woman. They make me more of a person. A person that is not a stranger in my own house.
I am just as opinionated and sarcastic as ever. Many of my opinions have a much more female point of view now, but overall they haven’t changed. I can still throw down some heavy sarcasm. That is a little disconcerting to some people because it seems less feminine than I’ve been presenting. But to those who have know me for a long time it’s like the old me never left. Probably the best thing I got back is my humor. I can finally make my wife laugh again. Even my kids noticed that difference. I make them laugh too. Humor was a very important part of my relationship with my family and I never noticed how crucial it was until I lost it. I hadn’t tried to lose it. It just didn’t seem like it fit into my emerging female personality. I am so glad I didn’t let it go completely.
At one point when I started this whole journey of self discovery, I thought that Rachel was some kind of alternate identity. Many crossdressers do create an alternate feminine personality. That personality can have her own likes and dislikes. I did have some changes in the things I like during this process. But those things were not because Rachel liked them it was because ‘I’ allowed myself to like them.
As I transition I find that I was never male or female. I am a combination of both due to brain chemistry and life experience. By giving the female portion of my personality to space to emerge I become more whole. I’m no longer suppressing the more dominant part of myself. I also combine the male part of myself that was cultivated over 47 years. For me that male part was not a sham or act. It was my reality for all those years. And to tell the truth I still like that part of myself. I just chose to express it a little differently now. I am becoming a whole being with masculine and feminine traits. All of this wrapped into what is slowly becoming a woman’s body. My new reality.