I was thinking tonight about the me that used to be. The man I used to be. Three science fictions movies came to mind: The Invisible Man, The Incredible Shrinking Man, and The Incredible Melting Man.
The Invisible Man
I have noticed as I start to explore this world as a woman that I feel more ‘real’. Part of this has to do with letting go of the role I was playing as a man. I would like to point out that I never thought of my male self as a role. To me, my male self was real. Most of my friends will tell you he was real person. They will usually tell you that they also miss him. However, when I look in the mirror, he’s not the one looking back. When I go out presenting as male nowadays I tend to feel invisible. I’m either ignored or greeted with some confusion. My friend Becky told me I look more like an FTM transexual than a cisgender man. Guys don’t tend to treat me like another guy. They seem to express some ambivalence towards me. I feel like they just want me to go away. My sense of male privilege is fading away too.
The Incredible Shrinking Man
I was always considered short. For a long time I was also thin and slightly effeminate. As such I wasn’t really very “manly”. Now, with the effects of testosterone blockers on my body I am shrinking away. Fat is moving around and I look slimmer. My upper body is starting to feminize. When I started to crossdress more often, my wife gave me a pair of her old satin pajamas. They fit fairly well except around the shoulders. I was feeling particularly feminine tonight and got those pajamas out of the drawer. After changing for bed I went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. I reached up to grab a glass out of the cabinet and noticed how much more roomy the pajama top is now. My neck is not as thick as it used to be either. The only good part about shrinking as a man is that I’m becoming a thin and graceful woman. I am also pleased to find out I’m not short anymore. I’m average height now!
The Incredible Melting Man
In this movie the protagonist began to melt like an ice cream cone on a hot day. He was exposed to cosmic rays during a space flight. Well I have not had the opportunity to fly in space but I have been exposed to hormones. By suppressing my testosterone I am limiting the effects that that hormone has on my body. The naturally estrogen is also having a slight effect as well. This combination is effecting my features. My wife was looking at me a few weeks ago. She said my face looked like it was melting away. It used to be a little rounded and puffy. I also was starting to develop double chins (yuck). Today my face is thinner in places. My cheeks have more definition and my skin is smoother and softer. It makes me think that my face is like melted wax that is being reformed by the hormones. My body is being slowly being reformed as well.
The whole experience of transition can be like living in a science fiction film. Your body is changing and reforming. Personality and mental processes get remapped to a more feminine model. Going out in public as your target gender can be almost as strange as visiting another planet. Now all that’s left is to get a light saber. Actually you could say I’m still carrying my ‘light saber”. Someday in the future a kind surgeon might press the button and retract the blade once and for all. Then I can start living a genuine life instead of a sci-fi one.