My new life as a transexual


I was running late the other morning and my wife was ahead of schedule. I decided to get dressed for work before leaving and ran out in a black pencil skirt and a purple sweater. We have a straight carport and she was parked behind my car.

Let me point out for those that might not know. My wife and I came to an agreement that I could do my gender expression at work instead of at home. That way I have the freedom to be myself and be more productive. This agreement was also designed that my wife would not have to see me fully en femme. I change into guy clothes before I come home.

Other than some light dressing and some initial playful crossdressing early in my coming out she has had a hard time seeing me fully as a woman. We have been working a little towards that goal and I do back off when she gets uncomfortable.

Unfortunately that morning even without makeup and my breast forms I looked totally female. That was not what my wife was expecting to see first thing in the morning. She backed out of the carport and I drove away quickly. We did share a light wave as I passed.

Well I guess the experience was too intense for her. She spends four hours every morning by herself until she has to pick up our daughter. That’s a long time to sit alone with your thoughts. She had an emotional breakdown. My wife went into our closet and tore all my clothes off the hanger rails. She was not very delicate as she broke a number of the plastic hangers. Everything was thrown in to corner of the closet in a pile.

When I got home she was rather quiet. This was not an unexpected given the events of the morning. I actually did not find out what had happened until the next morning when I went to get dressed for work.

When I went into the closet I broke down in fits of tears. I picked a blouse out of the pile and quickly ironed it. I spent most of the day in a black funk. I decided in a fit of anger to fill my estrogen prescription. I was so mad I thought I could get back at her with the thing she dreads most. She has seen the effects I have gotten on Spiro. We have also talked about what would happen to me when I threw in estrogen. Neither of us are prepared for those changes. I agreed to hold off as long as possible because it would be nearly impossible to hide the effects from the kids.

As the day wore on I began to regret my choice. Then I got the confirmation from my doctor that the prescription was sent to the pharmacy. I told a few friends and they were ecstatic that I finally decided to start full HRT. I hadn’t told them why I made the decision. I read through the confirmation note from my endocrinologist and at the end he asked if I told my family. My anger and need for revenge was replaced with guilt and remorse. It’s been 2 days and I have not picked up my prescription.

My eventual goal is to stay married and still have the respect of my kids. My actions were no less childish that my wife’s. Two wrongs don’t make a right. And in this case two wrongs could wreck everything. I decided that I would have to talk to my wife about all this when I got home. Another surprise hit me when I got home. My daughter’s boyfriend was visiting and my wife had to drive him home after dinner (almost 90minutes round trip). That killed my hope of talking to my wife.

I got the boys ready for bed and took care of the the dishes and trash. I also surveyed the damage in the closet. Luckily nothing was damaged. I hung a few pieces up and folded the rest. When my wife got home I think we had worked ourselves up so much that we couldn’t find the words. We both went to bed and you could hear our stomachs churning.

I’m going to give it another shot tonight. Wish me luck.


Comments on: "Setbacks" (3)

  1. Rachel,

    Of corse we wish you all the luck we can for this talk !!!

    And regardless if you told us about the reason for the change of mind regarding E’s, I fully understand you… have been there my self. This moments are so horrible, yet we all have them one or the other way.

    I wish so much I could tell you something deeply encouraging for this next few steps in live.
    One thing for sure, the current arrangement you have is not working long term for neither one of you, but you know that yourself.
    If one year of spiro did not stop all this, then I don’t know what would. The thing I learned to accept, we are hardwired this way and that is not going to change, no matter how hard we try. There is a slim chance that certain meds can suppress certain feelings well enough for us to stay away from transition, but if one year of spiro left you with the same desire to express yourself as a women then I am at the end of wisdom.

    I so hope it will work for you and your wife will find a way to accept and support you.
    Regardless, E’s or no E’s, if you can live a happy life without it, then the better, we all wish to be able to have this option – to go trough life with as little friction as possible. I never cared whether I woke up as women or man one morning, all I wanted is to wake up happy – (unfortunately) that meant to wake up as a women for me !

    Keep us posted, I am here anytime.


  2. First off. Good luck. I’m truly sorry that you have found yourself in the position you are in. I am too far away and know too few details to give genuine advice, but I see scary parallels to my own experience.
    I would strongly advise you to include in your next discussion with your wife a path toward completing your transition at home. Her reaction clearly indicates that she is in some level of denial about all of this.
    I can honestly say that doing things halfway “for the sake of the kids” is a trap. The stress and pressure that builds up can explode in ways you don’t intend. (see your events of yesterday) There is more chance that your long-term relationship with your kids will be preserved if you are open, honest and nurturing. There is a wonderful organisation called Colage – for children of transgender people. They have numerous resources that can help you to introduce the kids to your transition. There is also a wonderful film called “No Dumb Questions” that follows the story of 3 girls aged 6, 9, and 11 as they follow their favorite Uncle Bill becomes Aunt Barbara.
    As far as staying married goes. I wish you luck, but don’t sacrifice your own sanity for this goal. It will end up being an empty marriage and will eventually break down anyway. You and your wife will probably benefit from couple’s counselling where a knowledgeable third party helps you to honestly process your feelings and expectations toward each other.
    I don’t know if there are any good nuggets in this, but I hope you get something from it.

  3. Rachel,

    I just looked at the title of your posting again and realized something.

    You called it setback.

    I think you can not call the incidents a setback, or look at them like it.

    Transitioning is nothing with a defined path and goal, hence there is failure, setback or the likes, what ever happens on this journey is just part of it. You newer know where it might lead you and what door it opens for you !
    I very much know how you must feel about your life right now, having been there myself. Just keep in mind what I tell people about the past twelve month of my life – I was though, the thoughts year of my life, but I would not want to miss one minute today !

    I hope all is well with you today and you managed to sort some things out until now ?


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