My new life as a transexual

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

The title is a nod to an old cartoon called Ren & Stimpy. Ren is always angry so Stimpy decides to remedy that by putting a ‘Happy Helmet’ on him. Or course Ren’s true nature proves to strong for the effect of the helmet and he is able to smash it.

I feel the same way. My true nature is becoming stronger and nothing seems to bring back the old self. I can’t smash my new self without destroying my old self. So I’m stuck.

It SUCKS! It sucks really bad. When people tell me how brave I am I just want to slap them. I’m not brave, I’m a coward. Why? Because I still hold on to some fantasy that my life will be ok. That other than changing my gender everything else would be the same. I’m always on the verge of taking the next step in transition and things fall apart again. I have a prescription for Estrodiol waiting at the pharmacy. I can’t bring myself to get it.

I do this for the innocents involved in all this, my wife and kids. They didn’t choose to have a dad/husband that’s trans. Hell, I didn’t choose either. I listen to others that have taken the plunge and I feel so happy for them. Then I feel sorry for me. A close friend tells me I am doing something noble trying so hard to keep my family together. It may be true but there are times it seems like so much bullshit.

There are times that seem like I will never transition. EVER. Not, give it a few years, wait til the kids are grown. NEVER EVER. Being fully out at work is a respite but not a solution. I can change my clothes and go back home every night and that part doesn’t bother me. It’s the constant need to watch everything I do and say. The not being able to tell my deepest secret to those I love more than anything in the world is eating me up inside.

Ok, so my wife is in denial. I know this, please stop telling me. Somehow she can stay with someone who looks less like her husband and more like a woman as long as I don’t wear anything considered feminine. I long to put on a girls tshirt to work around the house. I want to be able to paint my nails. But I can’t. I’m not sure how long I can last.

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Comments on: "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy" (4)

  1. Rachel,
    I’m don’t want to insult you by repeating the you are being noble for your family line, but you are being noble for your family.
    That said, try to decide if you would be more noble to come completely out and eliminate the conflict. That you think you can contain it inside yourself is a myth. The stress it causes will manifest itself somewhere. Your wife and kids will experience the fallout whether you want them to or not.
    As far as life being OK. It will be. In the long run. In the short run, be ready for all kinds of drama.
    I’ve been down that road, and the fallout can be brutal, but the peace at the other end is amazing. I’m just now moving into that peaceful zone. It’s a pretty neat place.
    You have to be who you are, completely. It will be hard and it may come with some losses. It should also include some gains, and that which is really important to you will never go away. It may move to another position, but it will never go away.
    Having experienced it myself, I’m sorry that you have to go through this conflict within yourself. It is not fun. I can only say remember that you are still the person that they love, and after you finish your transition, you will still be that person, just in a different shape. You owe it to yourself and your children to be who you really are, whoever that is, and not some hybrid that you think will fit somebody else’s standards.
    Be brave. Look to the long term. You have the strength to get through the short term, no matter what it brings.
    Lots of extra hugs,

    Becky

    • Thank you Becky. I wrote this post more with the intent that it be written down. That way those feelings and conflicts were concrete. At some point I have to deal with everything. Some days I’m fine soldiering on, other days I’m not. This was one of those other days.

      Basically it comes down to buying time. In my professional life I try to manage my time and do everything as complete as possible. In my life I tend to rush things, do things half assed. I waste a lot of that time and energy. I have to look at this as banking time to be used in a controlled manner. That time has to be used wisely an what is important at the moment. Eventually it will be impossible for my kids to not know that I am trans. I am hoping that if I do go slowly that they will get used to the gradual changes and see that I am the same person regardless of the outside appearance. At the same time I have noticed that my wife is less on edge when she sees that I am being involved with my kids lives and not focusing on myself.

      We both tend to let things build up until there is an explosion. We have done this our entire marriage so it isn’t new. Being trans just supplies us with new ammunition. Unfortunately I tend to supply her with more stuff to throw back at me.

      Right now we are on a limited budget. Yet, there are times we have spent some money on our children that while not being obsessive it can be a bit indulgent. A new top for my daughter, a video game for my older son, an action figure for my youngest. Those kinds of things. When I look at this I tend to get petty at times. I can’t afford electrolysis right now and I tend to make angry remarks sometimes when they ask for things. I look at it like daughter’s new jeans = no electrolysis for me. This should be a no brainer. Sacrifice for your kids needs. But now my needs have changed drastically. Facial hair causes me emotional pain and distress. My daughter won’t go into depression if she doesn’t get new jeans. I look at what we do for our kids and I want a little back for me. It’s selfish I know. My wife picks up on my comments and throws them at me accusing me of putting my stupid and selfish needs before our kids’ needs. I have never attacked my wife for an indulgence here or there. But if I do something like buy some cheap sandals I become the bad guy. Especially if they look too girly.

      By the way I thank your for your comments because I know where they are coming from. I thank you for caring enough to write them down. Even though transition is different for all of us there are certain things that only another trans person can understand. There are certain people who’s comments mean more to me. I count yours and Sarah’s among those.

      Hugs

      -Rachel

  2. Rachel,

    hach, what can I say, only too recently I went trough the same and had to make sacrifices.
    For you, you have children and they will be there for you on either side of transition, for the wife that is another story.
    I had to accept the following, trough my whole hiding and living in fear before transition I started to get heart problems, nothing too serious, but just this chest pains resembling heart attacks, a result of being stressed and too tense. That went away just by coming to terms with myself and letting go, I got my health back and became a much more likable person – my wife unfortunately is the only one that does not like me anymore. Having said that and being fully aware that this last bit is not very nice for you (and might be in the long run not true for your situation), it was after all the fairest decision from my standpoint to take.
    Imagine if one of this chest pain cramps would have actually gone out of control ? Or one day I would have ended up a social mess like for instance my father once was…. that would be far worse and unfair for my ex wife, at least now she gets a chance for a relative clean start (beside the fear that she has to carry now, that every potential male is “weird”).

    To transition or not to transition – that is the question only you can answer, not your family, not your therapist.

    You are saying that you still feel comfortable to change when you come home from work and present in a more masculine way. If that is so, then you might after all not need to transition and you could choose to have a certain lifestyle. Easier would be the inverse, being femme at home and not work, since in the long run it might make you troubles in your job and then ? Not being able to provide for the family would be fatal too.

    I honestly don’t know how you managed until now, to stretch over such a large spectrum on a daily basis, I can even do that for a day when I still need to appear as male for legal reasons.

    Look, I am dealing right now with another issue, about when the right time is the right time, in my case GRS is getting reality now. But its the same concept, wether you start transition today or in 5 years its the same, except the damage you are doing to your own sole in the time being.
    Regardless at what time you jump into HRT, it will come with is share of troubles. Imagine in 5 or 10 years, what would happen to your family, kids probably nearly out of the house… your wife and you even more estranged.

    I find it very difficult and unfair to answer you in such a manner, I have no right to push you in any direction. I wish I could tell you a secret trick that would make you forget to transition.
    Transition is not fun, it is actually a very difficult thing, since we never transition in a vacuum and do make damage to others.

    But I think we both know, one day you want and will transition, so much I think is clear from what you are writing and portraying. Putting that into a more logical approach tells you that you have to deal with it, sooner then later. Transition is not selfish as so many supposes put it, its purely self preservation !! You don’t take anything from another person that you don’t want share, instead you a giving other your life – which other ways one day might end prematurely.

    I am not sure, are you looking for answers, for solutions ? Only you can give them to yourself….

    Make an experiment, toss a coin and choose which side will tell you start transition.

    I am pretty sure about the outcome, if the wrong face comes up for you, you find a excuse to flip the coin again and again until you are pleased – regardless which side it would be. If this is true, then you know what your are facing…

    I am thinking a lot about you and your situation !

    Hugs,
    Sarah

  3. @Becky: I was wondering if you really fell you are the same person as before transition ? I can say I used to think the same, use the same to convince my then spouse. But honestly I am today a very much different person. Yes the appearance (with out surgery) is pretty much recognizable for people who have known me before, but on the inside I changed big time, like DOS to Windows. I am not sure, but maybe this does not happened to everybody the same way, but it did certainly happen to me.

    Sarah

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