The title is a nod to an old cartoon called Ren & Stimpy. Ren is always angry so Stimpy decides to remedy that by putting a ‘Happy Helmet’ on him. Or course Ren’s true nature proves to strong for the effect of the helmet and he is able to smash it.
I feel the same way. My true nature is becoming stronger and nothing seems to bring back the old self. I can’t smash my new self without destroying my old self. So I’m stuck.
It SUCKS! It sucks really bad. When people tell me how brave I am I just want to slap them. I’m not brave, I’m a coward. Why? Because I still hold on to some fantasy that my life will be ok. That other than changing my gender everything else would be the same. I’m always on the verge of taking the next step in transition and things fall apart again. I have a prescription for Estrodiol waiting at the pharmacy. I can’t bring myself to get it.
I do this for the innocents involved in all this, my wife and kids. They didn’t choose to have a dad/husband that’s trans. Hell, I didn’t choose either. I listen to others that have taken the plunge and I feel so happy for them. Then I feel sorry for me. A close friend tells me I am doing something noble trying so hard to keep my family together. It may be true but there are times it seems like so much bullshit.
There are times that seem like I will never transition. EVER. Not, give it a few years, wait til the kids are grown. NEVER EVER. Being fully out at work is a respite but not a solution. I can change my clothes and go back home every night and that part doesn’t bother me. It’s the constant need to watch everything I do and say. The not being able to tell my deepest secret to those I love more than anything in the world is eating me up inside.
Ok, so my wife is in denial. I know this, please stop telling me. Somehow she can stay with someone who looks less like her husband and more like a woman as long as I don’t wear anything considered feminine. I long to put on a girls tshirt to work around the house. I want to be able to paint my nails. But I can’t. I’m not sure how long I can last.