(To my readers, I apologize for posting this a few days late)
I got up this morning planning on writing something eloquent. Becky Kent beat me to it 🙂 . http://ihaterollercoasters.wordpress.com/
However I want to add something about my wife. We met over 27 years ago. She was my first true love. We met at work, I was in the electronics department and she sold diamond jewelry. It didn’t hurt that we were two of the most senior employees not only in our departments but the whole store. People came and went but we endured. It was commitment to a job even though at times was in no way fun and loyalty to the company which we both liked. This would be a hallmark of our future relationship.
We dated for five years before getting married. We are both Catholic and we wanted to make sure our decision was right since divorce was not an option. So on the fifth anniversary of our first date we were married.
Our marriage had ups and downs like any marriage but we kept our love and commitment alive. This was truly the happiest time of my life. I finally found a woman that loved me for just being me. Please note that at this time I was not aware that I was a transexual.
Four years and four months after our marriage was the birth of our daughter. Her birth was one of the most amazing things I have ever witnessed. I held her in my arms for the first time and couldn’t believe that she was ours. My wife and I looked into each others eyes and we cried joyous tears together. This scene would happen twice again with the births of our two sons. Becoming a father had a profound effect on me. I had a family to support. I also had the immense responsibility of helping raise three children. I would be tasked with teaching my boys how to be men and my daughter in how to deal with men. This was one task I really did not feel qualified for.
Watching my wife give birth was incredible. She endured all those months of having our children grow inside her only to be faced with the trauma and pain of childbirth. What amazes me to this day, is that after knowing what she experienced the first time, she gladly did it twice more. Having gone through some of the physical pain and suffering I have gone through I do not know if I could have done the same. One feeling I didn’t expect though was the strange pang of regret that I couldn’t give birth. The feeling of sadness that I could never feel a life start and grow inside me too.
My wife has done a superhuman job raising our children. They are healthy and happy. Our kids know that she can fix the booboo’s and hug away the sadness. Their mother will stand up for them and fight like a tigress to protect them. She is also the “cool Mom”. Our kid’s friends always want to come to our house. (It is also known as the house you want to be invited to dinner at) My daughter’s boyfriend is constantly telling her that she is so lucky having a mom like hers. My wife has been accused by other mothers that she is to lenient and too permissive. In fact she is not. My kids know they have freedom to explore and figure out who they are and where they fit in this world. But they also know there are rules and if they break them there will be consequences.
My daughter has been dying her mom’s hair for a few years now. I am not sure how she did it but my daughter talked her onto dying her hair purple. Understand that my wife has been a bit of an outsider among the other moms at my kid’s school. She doesn’t quite fit into the soccer mom mold. Now she gets stares and nasty looks just for having purple hair. She is “That Mom” and my wife revels in it. One mother actually confronted her about it. My wife calmly turned to her and said “you obviously have never done anything to spice up your life, you should try it sometime”. This is why I love her so much. Her new attitude also gives me hope. My wife is learning to cope with being different, a skill that would be helpful if we are to stay together after my transition.
I can honestly say I love my wife more than ever. I also know she loves me even though she sometimes struggles with not seeing her husband anymore. She has been a fantastic wife and an even better mom. I still consider myself truly blessed to have shared my life with her.
I was leaving work last Friday and one of the women here wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. I said,”but I’m not my kids mother”. She said “Really? You sure look like their mom!”. I know she was trying to acknowledge me as a woman with kids but I am not their mother. Like Becky, I too do not have the hubris to consider myself their mom. I did not give birth to them. If I were not their biological father maybe it would be different. But, I am their Dad, always was, always will be. And I am proud of that fact. There are a number of women in the trans community that will disagree with me. Some loudly and angrily. I saw a documentary where Dr Marcy Bowers even said that we (transwomen that allowed their children to call them Dad) were undermining the struggle of transwomen to be accepted as females. I wish I had the actual quote but this is very close. Well, I feel the way I feel and I am not alone, enough said.
As for Mother’s Day itself. We had a grand time. My wife woke up in my arms. Just us together, husband and wife even though I wasn’t looking much like a husband. In fact she misunderstood something I said and we both erupted with laughter. We turned something that before would have had her in tears into a harmless joke that only a couple that was going through transition would understand. Later the kids and I took mom out to buy ice skates (no mean feat in Southern California). My wife has wanted new skates for years. We also spent a glorious couple of hours on the ice. I can honestly say that this was the best Mother’s Day my wife has had in several years. Seeing her out there gliding around with a huge grin on her face made it all worth while.
To my wife and the mother of my children: Happy Mother’s Day with all my love.