My new life as a transexual

Loss

I have written before about the loss of male privilege and the loss of friends. Now I have to deal with the possible loss of my wife. Maybe not in the physical sense. Neither of us want to divorce because we know the effect that would have on our kids.

This is emotional loss. The loss of intimacy. We still live each other, but that love is changing. We still sleep in the same bed every night. Sometimes we give each other space. We have a king size bed so that is easy to do. Some nights we still spoon each other. Other times we hold hands. Few are far between are those times we can summon up the passion we used to have. Maybe it’s the fact that we are just an old married couple. More likely it has to do with her sleeping next to a husband that increasingly looks more like her wife.

I was out the other night with a friend. When I dropped her off at her apartment we talked a bit. I wasn’t prepared for her coming to tears when she told me how hard it has been for her to sleep alone. She was married 7 years and she recently got her final divorce papers. She misses her wife dearly. I wanted to give her a hug and tell her with time it won’t be so bad. But I froze. I couldn’t say that because I haven’t experienced it myself. What I said through tears of my own was “Dear, I know things are bad right now. It’s too fresh a hurt and I understand. I have to go home to the woman I married 21 years ago and who sleeps most of the time on the other side of our bed. The pain of being just an arm length away is almost unbearable. It might as well be miles.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes. Then I had to leave. When I got home my wife was still up watching tv with our daughter. She came to bed and kissed her on the cheek. We cuddled for a bit. But it still wasn’t the same.

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Comments on: "Loss" (3)

  1. Rachel,
    I feel your and your friend’s pain so much. I don’t know which is worse, being strangers in the same bed or being totally alone. I’ve experienced both and they both suck.

    Our lives are changing because we have to in order to properly align ourselves. As much as it hurts to shift the paradigm, we have to do so. The new one with us in our proper place will be better in the end.

    If it’s not better yet, that’s just because we aren’t to the end yet.

    Hugs,

    Becky

  2. *Hugs* I’m sorry Rachel. I’m so afraid of this too, myself. The interesting thing though, is I don’t think this is a phenomenon specific to trans issues. I think this happens all the time in marriages where both partners stay the same gender! Passion-less marriages. Not that knowing those things happen in other marriages makes your experience any less painful. And it’s not the kind of marriage you want. The fact that it does happen in many marriages plus the transgender things, it feels like the cards are stacked against us. Your (and my) experience are in themselves unique.
    I think the two of you have already been through so much, and the one thing we know is that you never do know what the future will hold for you or your relationship. It’s possible it could take an upswing to something wonderful. I have such respect for you both!

    • Thank you Kathryn. I love following your journey because it gives me hope seeing that another couple is trying hard to make this work too. Strangely enough in my case the passion is still there for both of us. For my wife it’s the visual aspect that has changed things. One look at the person who used to be her knight in shining armor looking more like a maiden and that douses the flame right then and there.

      Sometimes at night in the dark she will lay her head on my chest to listen to my heartbeat. For her that is the only constant amongst my changes. I’ll tell her I love her in my old voice and she will hold me tight. She knows that I’m still here inside. Even though her head is resting on what is slowly becoming a woman’s breast. I don’t know if this will last weeks, months, or years. Still it’s these little times that seem to last forever.

      Hugs,
      -Rachel

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