I have been a little stressed out since our legal adventure so I wanted to let off a little steam. There is a pub a few miles up the road from where I work that has a special gathering every Wednesday. The local game developers go there to hang out, party, and network. I miss the old days and hanging out with the gamer crowd, so I have gone a few times.
I had to get food for the family earlier so I was running a little late. I met my friend Corrine and her new girlfriend there. Rinn had just come out to her at dinner and fortunately things went very well. Disclosure for trans people is the hardest when telling someone who you want to have a relationship with. I have known of a few times when the disclosure went very badly. Rinn is lucky. Her girlfriend is an amazing person and she sees Rinn only as a girl. That is magical.
Then there is me, the middle aged woman and professional third wheel. I would like to point out that Corrine and I do pass well. The last time we went to this pub nearly every guy there was asking for her number. I worry a little about her because she can be utterly fearless. The last thing I wanted to happen was for her to get outed. For me it’s only a matter of time. There are a few of my old coworkers who attend this get together and I go to try and meet up with them. That in and of itself will out me.
Last night there was only one person I knew there. He actually works at the same place I do but it turns out I used to work with his best friend at Interplay. He knows about my transition and in fact he gave me a big hug. He didn’t stay very long because a few of his friends didn’t show up. So again, I was left wandering around the crowd making small talk.
Rinn’s girlfriend came and got me so we could head to the bar. Up until now I hadn’t had anything to drink so we went. She bought me a shot and a sippy kind if drink. There happened to be two rather drunk business men there who started hitting on us. The girls had an excuse to ignore them, they are a lesbian couple. So, after the guys got their jollies watching Rinn and her girlfriend make out they turned their attention on me. I tried to act cool and bit apologetic. They were getting a little insistent so I has to play the wedding ring card. Then I did something I swore once I wouldn’t do; I used the word spouse instead of wife. As in “my spouse wouldn’t like me flirting with strange men”. Then a strange thought came into my head. Even through heavy beer goggles they were hitting on me. Now I do like the way I look, but I don’t consider myself attractive enough for guys to start getting interested in me. This is new territory. I know what it’s like when guys who know about my transition react to me. Sometimes I confuse them. Sometimes I repulse them. These two guys have no clue about the trans stuff. As a result I actually felt a sense of validation as a woman.
A couple drinks later and we were back on the patio with the gamer crowd. More small talk. I started having conversations with some of the older crowd. We talked about our kids mostly. I just so happen to be very proud of my kids. And I am proud to be their father. So in a slightly less womanly fashion I jumped head first into the “my kids are more amazing than yours” pissing match with this group of guys. The best woman won.
Things started to break up a bit as it was getting later. By tradition the pub plays “Bohemian Rhapsody” at about 11pm and we hold shots and sing. At the end we drink. Cool tradition. Well I had to drive home and still had a bit of alcohol to burn off so me and the girls decided to dance for a bit. I had been talking to this nice Asian guy and I suddenly didn’t feel like dancing alone. So I said yes when he asked to dance with me. The first few songs were a bit of a blur. We were having a blast. Next thing I know the dj started playing “I’m sexy and I know it” by LMFAO and this guys hands are on my hips. Another new experience for me. I kind of enjoyed it.
You were probably wondering when the weird part was going to show up. Right about now. He spun me around and was dancing against my back and his hands were pulling my hips closer. Then they started moving a bit to close to the danger zone. Close call as I politely removed his hands from their roaming and moved them a bit higher. A bit too high it turns out because they started moving northward towards the peaks. Luckily the song ended and I was able to extricate myself. He thanked me for the dancing and gave me a hug and an unexpected little peck on the cheek. Good thing the dance floor was dark because I blushed bright enough to show through my foundation.
I felt strange afterwards. Here was this nice guy who wanted a dance and a little flirting. Here was me, a woman and yet not a woman, feeling like I led him on, fooled him in some way. All I know is that I did not want to hurt him. Unlike Corrine, I did not have to disclose anything to this person because it wasn’t going to go any further. But we both have felt the same things tonight, a twinge of fear and sense of relief. For her it was the fear that her girlfriend would leave once she found out. Relief that she accepted Rinn for who she is. For me it was fear of being discovered even by accident. Relief that I handled it well and came away with a nice memory and some validation of my womanhood.
After writing this I felt like I was missing something. I do not go out with the intent on hooking up with anyone, male or female. My wife knows I go as Rachel. I have asked her to go with me but she is not ready to be in public with me as a woman. A coworker, who is not very comfortable with my transition, told me that he thinks I like to play with people’s heads. In his opinion I get off on being a girl and I enjoy making people uncomfortable. Since then I have tried to be very conscious of how I present myself. As such I am starting to be more aware of my sense of femininity and feminine sexuality. I have met trans women who try to be as sexy as possible. They go completely overboard in their presentation. Stripper heels, fishnets, micro skirts, you name it. I admit I have a couple of sexier things in my wardrobe. Even my wife and daughter have a few of their own. Most women like to feel beautiful and attractive. I am no different. It’s just that I did not have a lifetime’s worth of experience in learning how to deal with being female. I make mistakes and I try and learn from them.