I’ve been lacking in inspiration lately for posts. However, a couple conversations, some friend’s blog posts, and a nomination for a Liebster Blog Award kinda woke me up.
I wanted to express some things rattling around in this thick skull of mine. It’s about HRT and fear. You see most trans women don’t fear HRT. They anticipate it, crave it, desire it, WANT it. It took me a long time to even consider it. Even when I did, I started at the lowest dose I could get.
My dosage has been increased every couple of months by very small amounts. Recently,I through choice, have accelerated my dosage (with my endocrinologist). I am now at a pre injection dosage of 8mg a day of Estrodiol, 100mg of spiro. When I look back at my reasoning for making the increases it was more like “oh well I guess I should try a little more” or “everyone else I know is already at a much higher dosage so why not”. My last increase from 6mg to 8mg took less than two weeks. I asked for it. I started to want it.
It was more like my body wanted it. I can only describe it like this: my body knew it had been deprived of something it needed and it was trying to fulfill that need. I did not decide to take Estrogen for all the things most trans women do (breasts, skin, hair, emotions). I take it because I feel right. More right than I have in 48 years. Sure the other things are wonderful too, but not necessarily as important to me.
What I didn’t expect is that feeling right has had other effects. I don’t ‘feel’ like a woman, I am. I don’t ‘feel’ euphoria about my body matching my mind. I feel power. Raw power. Confidence in myself. I feel the power in my sexuality. I have a presence. People know when I walk into the room. I have an urge to own that room, dominate it.
The woman I am becoming is no wallflower. I am feminine but not a girly girl. I have become ferociously competitive. All this is what scares me. That a few chemicals doesn’t just change me physically. It changes or enhances the core of my being. I took a long time to decide what kind of woman I thought I wanted to be. My body and mind have been freed to become the woman I should have been. I am not sure I like this me as much. I feel like the Phoenix erupting into life. In the flames of my birth I see a swath of destruction in my path. Friendships lost. My Dad lost. My family burned and my marriage broken. Hearts torn out and crushed. All in the service of becoming.
I try to temper this change. I meditate and attempt cultivate my emotions. I try to be the best friend I can. I am there when my kids need me. I still love my wife with all my heart. I try to remain compassionate to those around me. Still there is a sense that I am evolving into something else. The Phoenix.