With friends like this…

I wasn’t sure that I wanted to post this. For the last year I have had mixed reactions to my coming out as trans. Most people have been very cool about it. Some have had mixed feelings. A small number have said outright that they can’t deal with it. This bothered me for a while but I learned to deal with it. Not everyone can accept a friend changing their gender. This post is not about them.

It’s about one person. I have known this individual for more than 12 years. We have had our differences at times and that has led to some lively exchanges. He, and this is important, HE has had an interesting life. His experiences have made him very accepting of all kinds of people and lifestyles.

So when I came out to him I expected him to be supportive of my choice. He was very supportive. Even when he saw me dressed the first time he didn’t even blink. He told me it didn’t matter if I was in pants or a skirt. I would always be his friend.

Well, we meet very so often for lunch. We usually eat outdoors if possible which I enjoy a lot. He has never acted uncomfortable around me and is not afraid to be seen in public with me. I tend to use these visits to get a bit dolled up for lunch.

The other day we decided to meet a bit earlier than usual and I ended up a few minutes late. My friend had already bought his food and was waiting at an outside table. I walked up and gave him a little wave as I went in to get my lunch. He gave me a strange little smile as I went through the door.

I came back out and sat down across from him. Then he admitted that he didn’t recognize me when I went in. We went through the usual chit chat about our families and jobs. Then he asked about how my transition was going and if things calmed down at work. I said they had and we chatted some more. The topic of my going to the GLAAD awards came up and he wanted to see pictures.

I was flipping through a number of pictures on my phone, many are not arranged in order. I will never say what picture he asked me to stop at it is not important. I will say there was a trans person in that picture. That person is someone I consider a dear friend an I have never written about them here before. That person also passes remarkably well. This too is important.

Other than writing about my thoughts of suicide this will be the hardest thing I have ever put down to paper either real or electronic. My ‘friend’ pointed at the picture and said “what’s his story”. With barely contained rage I said ‘HER!, her story’. I refused to say anything further about her. This man sitting across from said something I still cannot believe. I quote: “Him/her what’s the difference? Either way I would be correct.” I have never wanted to hit another person for any reason. However, right then and there I really truly wanted to smack him right in the face. I went to get up
And leave and he apologized. He said I was over reacting. I said he was insensitive. Things didn’t get any better and I had to go. I just wanted to put as much distance away from that place as possible.

I am still terribly upset when I think of this. He was supposed to be my friend. He claimed he understood when I talked about my trans feelings. It was all bullshit. Pure and simple. He only accepted me because I was his friend. He doesn’t believe that we trans persons as a group can DEMAND that we be addressed by our true gender. Just as he doesn’t think that LGBT people can DEMAND equal treatment. In his opinion the constitution has already given us those rights. We just have to wait for the rest of the people in this country to get with the program. We as a group are NOT special and we cannot require that there be specific laws just to protect OUR rights over his. True we do have rights granted to all of us in the constitution. But those rights never seem to apply to us because we are different. If everyone is truly equal in this country why did we have to pass specific laws that gave equality to black people. Why did they have to fight for their civil rights? And why can’t LGBT people fight for theirs.

In the past year my eyes were opened to new ideas and new people. I had never really had a conversation with a gay or lesbian. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would be in an argument with a transexual and a crossdresser. And yet I call these people my friends. We share a struggle. We just want to be treated fairly and equally. Yet there are people out there who themselves liberal and open minded and they are not. They hide their prejudices behind a thin veil of acceptance. Unfortunately I have know one of these people and it really hurts me that I never noticed it before.

One year ago I figured out after a lot of pain and anguish that I was not who I had always thought I was. I had the misfortune to be born with a biochemical defect that gave me a female brain in a body predominantly male in appearance and physiology. I had to accept that I couldn’t continue that way for the rest of my life. Early on when I decide to transition I vowed never to insist or demand that people use feminine pronouns or even my chosen name. I didnt want to have to force others to have to deal with my problem. I just wanted them to understand and accept me. If that meant they still refer to me in a way they felt comfortable I was fine with it. Now, almost 9 months living nearly full time publicly and professionally I am no longer as comfortable as I used to be. This WOMAN has changed HER mind and SHE feels that it’s about time SHE be acknowledged as the WOMAN SHE is. The world can either catch up or be left behind.

A bit of confusion

A bit of confusion

I realized I have been so busy getting our place ready to move out of that I have not posted in a while. In fact a number of bloggers I follow must be busy also since there haven’t been any updates for a while 😉

Well I see my new therapist next monday the 28th. I’m really looking forward to it. Sometimes I just need to take a moment to examine my life or just vent to a sympathetic ear. The only downside is that he is a bit far from both my home and work. When I see him we will have to work out the best time he can see me on a regular basis.

Oh, in case you are interested WPATH has published the updated standards of care for transgender persons. If you are considering hormones or surgery you may want to read the article. http://www.wpath.org/ is the link.

This last Friday I went to my support group meeting. I had skipped the last because my wife was ill and I had to take care of the kids. I’m glad I went since there were a number of people there. Two friends I was hoping to see showed up. Both have started hormones since we last saw each other. Also my original therapist stopped by to sit in and observe. It took her a while to recognize me. I hadn’t realized I changed that much since our last session 7 months ago. She was surprised and happy to hear that I am starting my fourth month of going to work as female. Four months, how time flies.

I am trying to schedule my second electrolysis appointment too. Every time I look in the mirror and see how soft and smooth the areas she worked on have become I want more. Hopefully she can finish the first pass on the area under my lower lip. My beard is thickest here and harder to keep smooth through regular shaving.

Now for the confusing part. Before my support group meeting my wife asked me to pick up a few things from the market. I grabbed the things I needed and placed them at the register. The clerk asked how my day was going while he rang up my purchases. For some reason my debit card was not being read by the card reader. The clerk took my card and ran it through on the register. He passed the card back to me and said “here you go sir”. My card still has my birth name on it and I know that’s what he was responding to. He placed my receipt in the bag and handed it to me with “Thank you si…. um miss” and a rather embarrassed look on his face. I was embarrassed too. I was almost sir’ed twice while presenting as female. Well, today I went to another market to get some ingredients for tonight’s dinner. The line I was in was fairly long when I heard the woman at the register behind me say ‘Ma’am you can move your things over here’. There was only one woman in the checkout line I was in and she was the one being rung up at the time. I turned and the girl at the other register motioned for
me to come over to her line. Now I am
totally confused. I’ve now been called Sir while in girl mode and Ma’am while in boy mode. I’m not sure if it’s better to be a guy with breasts or a flat chested girl. My preference is to be a girl with breasts. But now I wonder, which one does my wife see when she looks at me?

Here’s one last thing. I had my older son in the car with me after being called Ma’am tonight. I decided to ask him in a round about way how he would feel if I decided to become a woman. I had used an example of someone I knew that was not having Thanksgiving dinner with her family this year because her sons can’t handle her being a woman. I said to my son “how would you react if I decided I needed to be a woman?” He said without hesitating “it wouldn’t matter to me, you would still
be my dad”. Then he said “you should accept people for who they are and not stop them from doing what they need to do”. How profound a statement from a 14 year old. If
I hadn’t been driving I would have hugged him right there. As it was I had a hard enough time not crying in front of him. I have amazing kids and I am so very proud of them.

Real quick: just being one of the girls

I had the luck to train a new hire this week. She is very nice and really wanted to learn. It was fun to teach her about our systems and programs. We were working side by side the first day when she asked about getting lunch. I drove her to a local sandwich shop where we chatted while waiting for our food. I mentioned my wife and kids and I froze. I thought I should say something but she touched my arm and said “Dear, you don’t have to explain anything”. Wow.

For the next two days we went out to lunch. Just two women eating and talking. It was more than incredible. She totally accepted me as a woman even though she knew. Today she had to leave. Her new office is almost a 2 1/2 hour drive away. She gave me a genuine girl hug before she left. I almost started to tear up. I wish I could express to her the terrific gift these past couple of days were to me. Just one of the girls.

Lunches with friends

Two lunches, two friends, both related.

I never mentioned a lunch I had with a friend who had missed my birthday lunch back in May. I met him at a fish taco place we both like near work. He happens to work and live almost an hour away and he was lucky to have a Friday off to see me.

I was dressed as a guy except for some mascara and my blue flats. He commented on my shaving off my mustache. I had almost the same talk with him at his wedding last year since I had only seen him with a mustache before. After a long conversation he asked why we haven’t visited together more often like we used to. I told him that I had some issues I had to deal with along with trying to help out my dad. Then I asked if he remembered the woman that had transitioned at the video game company we had worked at. He said he did, but he didn’t have much contact with ‘him’. I flinched at the pronoun gaff and continued. I came out and told him I was just like ‘her’, a transexual. He froze for a second and his face went slack as he took in this new information. He said that I was the last person he would have thought to be transexual. Then he asked “Are you happy?” I said yes. He said that’s all that matters. We chatted a bit more before I had to go back to work. We have talked a few times since then but we have avoided talking much about my being trans.

My other friend, that had made it to
my birthday lunch, called me this past Thursday to meet at a Teriyaki restaurant around the corner from work. He had found a table outside since the weather was really nice. He has seen me dressed once before when I had my first all day outing as Rachel over a month ago. Again he said he was ok with me being dressed. Again he wasn’t really prepared. When I got out of the car he stopped and stared. I could see it in his eyes that he was slightly shocked by my appearance. “I didn’t expect to see you dressed like that” was all he managed to say. I said “What? Did you expect me to be wearing a sequined evening gown and stripper heels?” I was wearing black slacks, a conservative white blouse and my black pumps. I was dressed like any number of business women that were eating at the nearby restaurants. I blended in and I think that’s what surprised him. I was more poised and relaxed then ever. My movements and gestures were completely natural. He had to admit that he wasn’t having lunch with his old buddy dressed as a woman. He WAS having lunch with a woman. Hell, I was so comfortable that I never even realized that the constant nagging of my dysphoria was gone. My mind and heart were female and my body just went along with it. I chatted and laughed and ate just like every other woman nearby.

My dear accepting and supportive friend finally understood that this is the real me. This was no longer just watching me play dress up, this was reality. I can walk about in the world as a woman and be accepted as one. He also understood for the first time what my wife deals with every day. The man I was is fading away and being replaced by a happy and confident woman. He realizes that I am still his friend inside but I am not exactly the same person anymore.

We have to remember that transition not only effects us but those close to us. It is easy for some of those people to understand the idea of why we need to change. It is quite a bit harder when confronted by it in person. I feel bad that I am not only putting my family through this but also my friends. They sit at the fringe of the blast zone and end up being collateral damage. Some make it through and others won’t. That is something that I will have to live with as I go on to wherever this journey is taking me.

Being a woman at work, take two

Let’s see, I have had nearly two full weeks of being a woman while at work. The first several days were just spent getting comfortable. I was not the only one trying to adjust to my female presentation. My coworkers were also adjusting to it as well. Some took it in stride, others were really taken by surprise. Most everyone has gotten used to having a new woman in the office.

The only snag I have had was the fact that I have to use the men’s bathroom. I had several awkward moments when I came in contact with some guys who were not exactly comfortable with my presence. One guy actually saw me and he left to use the bathroom on the other side of the building.

I made a compromise with my wife that I can express my gender at work. That way I can shield my kids from my transsexualism and still relieve my dysphoria. Because of this I have had to hide my female clothes under my guy work clothes or I have to dress at work. I have even dressed in the car. My makeup technique has evolved accordingly. I have a few basic faces now, all of which I can do in about 8 minutes. Even the women I work with are impressed with how well I do my makeup. Some of the guys are not so impressed since they have caught me making my face up in the bathroom. (update: Friday it was announced that one of the woman’s restrooms was converted to a unisex bathroom. I am pleased that our Human Resource department went out of their way to accommodate a transgender employee. Thank you!)

I found that most of my effort was spent working on my presentation. I hadn’t been putting forth as much effort in bringing forth my female personality. That has really proved to be difficult. Because my condition is not to cause any disruption, my customers and vendors are not supposed know about me being trans. I have to use my boy voice on the phone. Since switching my voice back and forth gets too confusing and also stressful on my vocal cords I have chosen a smoother boy voice. Nobody seems to have noticed or they are afraid to say something. Well not everyone, my wife has caught me using that voice on the phone so I intentionally butch it up a bit for her.

Another aspect of my female persona I tone down are my gestures and movements. I have been guilty of over exaggerating those things in the past and I refuse to act uberfemme when I am trying to blend in as a natural woman. The last two days though I have relaxed a bit and allowed the woman inside to shine through. My walk is more confident and even has a slight sway to it. I can flip my hair back or tug on an earring without feeling self conscious. I even wore a pleated skirt for the first time this Friday and loved the soft swish it made when I walked. I have worn skirts and dresses before but mostly to dress up and appear more feminine. This was the first time it felt completely natural and right. I looked like a woman, acted like a woman and finally gave myself permission to be a woman.

I have reached another milestone in my transition. I am no longer playing a female role, or a male role for that matter. I can finally be myself. Physically I may not have breasts or the plumbing other woman have, but I know down to my core I AM a woman. My goal of being accepted by my peers as a female is finally in sight. I am Rachel and I love myself for the first time in 47 years.

Making dinner, with style!

My kids went to the beach yesterday afternoon so I had some time with my wife. She needed me to help prepare dinner since we were having my daughter’s boyfriend over. While my wife drove the kids to the beach I got changed. I did warn my wife in a text not to be surprised when she came back.

Well, I greeted her in a slinky black cocktail dress and 4 inch black pumps. She was not to surprised since she had seen me in it once before. However it was the first time she has seen me with my breast forms in (they are a modest 36B). That did surprise her. Until now she has only seen me dressed flat chested. I think she was secretly glad that I wasn’t strutting around in DD’s. We had a good time making dinner. She seemed relaxed and alot more comfortable with having pseudo Rachel sharing her kitchen. It was nice being glamour queen for a few hours.

I am slowly working towards being fully dressed in front of my wife. She is slowly getting used to me being dressed but I still know she is just putting up with it. I hope that she can get really comfortable with it so we can both have some fun.

My wife is also taking her time coming to terms with the fact that I am transexual. She knows that this is not going away no matter how hard she wants it to. There is a lot of give and take on both our parts. We are trying come to some mutually acceptable solution on life going forward. This is a long process and I am trying my hardest to take it as slow as possible. I don’t want to rush things and possibly ruin the incredible relationship I have with my wife.