Closing in on my first year as trans

Oh does time fly. It seems like only a few weeks have passed since I came to terms with “something not being right”. Little did I know at the time what that would ultimately lead to.

Now a good portion of my life is spent as a woman. Professionally and socially. I’m still leading a bi gender lifestyle for the sake of my family. At home I spend a lot of my time dressed androgynously and I have been having little to no problems with that.

A few nice things have happened recently. One of the vendors I deal with often and who visits our offices was a little embarrassed when he asked how I wanted to be addressed. I said for now he can use the more feminine form of my birthname but I would like the feminine pronouns ‘she’ and ‘her’. He said “OK , man…I mean girl!” I laughed and it was ok, he was at least trying. Also a few coworkers who distanced themselves from me after I came out are gradually warming up to me again.

My wife and I have been closer these past few weeks. She seems a bit more comfortable with my being trans. Not totally accepting yet, but not completely freaked out as before. We can talk face to face now and she doesn’t look away. Right now we are working towards getting out of our rental and into a home again.

Today my daughter and I did something I never thought would happen. We changed the brakes on my Honda Accord. Probably the least feminine thing I could think of doing. However, I know that my daughter is going to be able to take care of herself. She’s a girly girl who is also strong and independent. I might not be the most manly of men but I know I have raised her right. The only drawback is that with the dirt under my fingernails I am going to have to put on a darker nail polish for my appointment tomorrow.

On a side note my nipples are sore and my chest is warmer than normal. My friend is telling me that I might be getting some breast growth. I’ve heard that taking anti androgens can cause a small amount of growth. Maybe I can get a nice head start until I decide on starting estrogen. One can only hope.

So far the only that has been bothering me has the goatee I have been sporting during the four day holiday weekend. I have my second electrolysis appointment tomorrow. My electrologist said that my last session could have been more productive had I let me beard grow out a bit. Well this time I am making sure she has a lot to work with. Unfortunately for me the family likes the beard and my dysphoria has kicked into high gear again. I can’t wait to get rid of it. Plus with my long dark hair I kind of look like a picture of Jesus we have hanging on the wall.

Speaking of pictures. Sarah, another blogger who I correspond with through our respective blogs, has inspired me. In one of her last posts she included a picture of herself. I thought long and hard about posting my own picture and finally found the courage to do it. First on Facebook and now here. If anyone wants to comment please be kind.

I am risking a lot by posting this photo and don’t take the decision lightly. I have gone to work as a woman every day for almost 4 months now. I go out to eat and shop in stores as a woman. But until now I haven’t been able to cross the line between my Internet life and my everyday life. I hope that I am able to inspire someone to be themselves. To maybe give them the courage to go out into this world instead of hiding away.

Thanksgiving

Today is the Thanksgiving holiday in the states. ( I know there are a few of you reading this in other countries which is why I pointed it out 🙂 ) This also happens to be my first Thanksgiving as a woman. Maybe not in appearance but inside where it matters most.

I have much to be thankful for this year. I have been able to accept who I am as trans and have been able to express myself in significant ways. I am thankful for my coworkers who have been very kind and supportive of my transition. This year I have made tons of friends in the trans community and I am deeply thankful for their insight, support, and just plain kind words when I really needed them.

I am thankful for having Becky as my big sister. Without her I don’t know how I would have made it this far. She is the genie who lives in my phone and always seems to magically be there when I need her most. I am also thankful that I was there for when she needed me.

But mostly I am thankful for my wife and family. Even though my kids are not fully aware of my transness they show me everyday that I have been a good dad. I know they have seen the changes I am going through, and not knowing why, they still love me unconditionally.

And lastly I am so incredibly thankful for my wife. She could have given up and left a number of times this year. She didn’t. She stayed and we talked, yelled, argued, and cried over this. And she is still here. We still love each other even through the times it seems that it’s over between us. My wife is my best friend. My soulmate who has given me so much love over the years. She might not fully accept my transexuality, but she still likes ‘me’ for being the me she fell I’m love with.

For all this I am truly thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving!
Hugs,
-Rachel

A bit of confusion

A bit of confusion

I realized I have been so busy getting our place ready to move out of that I have not posted in a while. In fact a number of bloggers I follow must be busy also since there haven’t been any updates for a while 😉

Well I see my new therapist next monday the 28th. I’m really looking forward to it. Sometimes I just need to take a moment to examine my life or just vent to a sympathetic ear. The only downside is that he is a bit far from both my home and work. When I see him we will have to work out the best time he can see me on a regular basis.

Oh, in case you are interested WPATH has published the updated standards of care for transgender persons. If you are considering hormones or surgery you may want to read the article. http://www.wpath.org/ is the link.

This last Friday I went to my support group meeting. I had skipped the last because my wife was ill and I had to take care of the kids. I’m glad I went since there were a number of people there. Two friends I was hoping to see showed up. Both have started hormones since we last saw each other. Also my original therapist stopped by to sit in and observe. It took her a while to recognize me. I hadn’t realized I changed that much since our last session 7 months ago. She was surprised and happy to hear that I am starting my fourth month of going to work as female. Four months, how time flies.

I am trying to schedule my second electrolysis appointment too. Every time I look in the mirror and see how soft and smooth the areas she worked on have become I want more. Hopefully she can finish the first pass on the area under my lower lip. My beard is thickest here and harder to keep smooth through regular shaving.

Now for the confusing part. Before my support group meeting my wife asked me to pick up a few things from the market. I grabbed the things I needed and placed them at the register. The clerk asked how my day was going while he rang up my purchases. For some reason my debit card was not being read by the card reader. The clerk took my card and ran it through on the register. He passed the card back to me and said “here you go sir”. My card still has my birth name on it and I know that’s what he was responding to. He placed my receipt in the bag and handed it to me with “Thank you si…. um miss” and a rather embarrassed look on his face. I was embarrassed too. I was almost sir’ed twice while presenting as female. Well, today I went to another market to get some ingredients for tonight’s dinner. The line I was in was fairly long when I heard the woman at the register behind me say ‘Ma’am you can move your things over here’. There was only one woman in the checkout line I was in and she was the one being rung up at the time. I turned and the girl at the other register motioned for
me to come over to her line. Now I am
totally confused. I’ve now been called Sir while in girl mode and Ma’am while in boy mode. I’m not sure if it’s better to be a guy with breasts or a flat chested girl. My preference is to be a girl with breasts. But now I wonder, which one does my wife see when she looks at me?

Here’s one last thing. I had my older son in the car with me after being called Ma’am tonight. I decided to ask him in a round about way how he would feel if I decided to become a woman. I had used an example of someone I knew that was not having Thanksgiving dinner with her family this year because her sons can’t handle her being a woman. I said to my son “how would you react if I decided I needed to be a woman?” He said without hesitating “it wouldn’t matter to me, you would still
be my dad”. Then he said “you should accept people for who they are and not stop them from doing what they need to do”. How profound a statement from a 14 year old. If
I hadn’t been driving I would have hugged him right there. As it was I had a hard enough time not crying in front of him. I have amazing kids and I am so very proud of them.

Girl Supplies

My female wardrobe has now surpassed my guy wardrobe. It never stops though. There’s always another top, sweater, or dress that catches my eye. I have 9 pairs of shoes and I’m still saving for a pair of boots I really want.

Jewelry never excited me at all before. I stopped wearing a watch years ago. And the only ring I have is my wedding ring. At last count I have three necklaces, 6 bracelets, and 14 pairs of earrings.

Of all the things I love about being a woman is makeup. I’m finding that I spend a bunch of my money on cosmetics. Moisturizers for body, face, eyes, hands and lips. Lipsticks in various shades to accent my outfits. Eyeshadows in rainbow colors for every occasion. Eye liners both pencil and liquid. Primer and concealers to cover imperfections and smooth out my skin. Foundations in summer and winter colors. Oh my!

I’m the only dad I know that has a Sephora frequent buyer card. I know the Chanel girl at Macy’s by name. I make special pilgrimages to MAC. The cashiers at Target don’t even blink an eye when I buy mascara presenting as a male. And I routinely drive my daughter to Sally’s Beauty Supply and pick up my own supply of nail polishes at the same time.

And after all that my wife doesn’t understand it. To her I am becoming one of ‘those’ women. The ones who obsess over the shoes and clothes and makeup. Things my wife has almost no interest in. I don’t obsess over them, but I know I need them to learn those things about being female that I didn’t learn growing up. I need them to blend in. Something I seem to be able to do more often these days.

My baptism of fire…I mean electricity

I have passed another milestone in my transition. My first electrolysis session. I had researched laser and electrolysis and electrolysis has a long track record of success.

I did ask a couple of trans women for advice. A few recommended taking Vicodin before I went. Unfortunately Vicodin gives me really bad stomach cramps. I took 3 extra strength Tylenol instead. My tolerance for pain is very high so I thought it would be enough.

I talked to the electrologist for a bit before she started. She explained the procedure and showed me the probe and the machine. Then I filled out some paperwork and we got started. One thing I have to remember is that I have to let my beard grow a bit before I go again (I cringe at the thought but it has to be done). I wanted to start under my chin at first. I was told that was a good spot to start since it is less noticeable. Well I didn’t leave enough stubble there for her to work with. So she started on the area below my lower lip. Definitely not the place I would chosen but I can say I’m glad to get some of that part out of the way. Since pain is subjective all I can say is that the lower lip hurts more than the chin. The pain is similar to a pinch. One friend said it was a lot like getting a tattoo. I personally prefer the results from electrolysis.

One thing I just don’t understand. Why do people insist on carrying on a conversation when you can’t respond. Every dentist I’ve gone to engages in small talk that usually requires a response. This occurs abound the time that you mouth is filled with tools and fingers. Have electrolysis is not much different. The electrologist was asking me about my transition and my family all the while she is pulling on my lip and stretching the skin around it. Plus the process itself wasn’t very conducive to conversation.

One last thing, even though I only have small areas that are hair free, I LOVE it. The skin is so soft and smooth. I cannot wait to schedule my next session. No pain no gain.