Living Cis in a Trans World

I thought in honor of the Transgender Day of Visibility, I would post this.

 

I had to go to the local urgent care facility the other night. The attending doctor brought up my medical record and started asking questions. First off she remarked about my age, “you are almost 50? Wow, you look so young.” I blushed. “I see you are on progesterone; do you still have your uterus?” This confused me and I said no. “When was your hysterectomy?” I had to stop her at this point to mention I was a male to female trans person. I was never born with female reproductive organs.

 

This made her pause and stare. That’s when I realized she never paid attention to my gender marker which clearly says ‘M’. “You look amazing, very pretty”, said the doctor. “I’ve had transexual patients before, but you, I would never had guessed.” She finished her exam and concluded I had a UTI. After entering my prescription for antibiotics, she stared at me again. “You haven’t had any surgeries?” I shook my head no. She said “you are a very lucky woman”.

 

“You are a very lucky woman,” I started thinking about that. I don’t feel lucky. I was born with a defect that caused my mind to be misaligned with my body. During my childhood I was raised to live as the gender that was counter to my internal sense of gender. I even grew up believing that I was male. I tailored my life to fit that assumption until it became impossible for me to continue. I don’t call that luck. More like a curse.

 

“Lucky woman”. If I take a look at how my transition has gone I guess others (especially trans folk) would consider me lucky. My body is slight of build and my features soft compared to most males. I am short for a man but average height for a woman. In grade school and even beyond, people remarked at how feminine my hands were. I do not suffer from male pattern baldness. My Adam’s apple is not prominent. I wear a woman’s size 8 shoe. I am wholly unremarkable.

 

I live a life one would consider semi-stealth. I don’t advertise I am trans. However, I do not deny it if asked. But I’m not asked often. Even when I have to present my ID which hasn’t been changed I get people telling me  I have my husband’s ID. A few have expressed bewilderment that I am still forced to use that documentation. All the while I am still gendered in their eyes as female. They rarely use the wrong pronouns.

 

Why then would I consider all this as my doing an injustice to the trans community. For the very reason that I am not visible. I am not an example for trans people because the public doesn’t consider me trans. People expect masculine features, a heavy voice, prominent Adam’s apple or big hands. They almost expect a ‘man in a dress’ which trans people (MTF) definitely are not. I do not willfully out myself to make a point or to educate others. I don’t march in pride parades or do any public speaking. There are members of my own community who look at me with envy or jealousy. I feel unwelcome at times because of this. Also my trans narrative doesn’t fit the ones we come to regard as commonplace for MTF trans people. As such I don’t share what would be considered common experiences many transgender people have. No one has cast trans slurs at me. I have not been openly discriminated against because of my appearance or manner.  I have never been denied medical treatment because I am trans. I am not divorced or have estranged children or family members.

 

There are times I laugh to myself. A horrible, cynical laugh. I look at the people who call me ma’am and miss and wonder if they are blind. I want to know why they can’t see the obvious masculine traits I see in the mirror every morning. I can’t believe they just gloss over the light stubble on my jaw and upper lip. How can they possibly hear my obviously non female voice and still gender me female?

 

What it all comes down to is they see a woman, plain and simple. They don’t pick up on a masculine vibe that isn’t there. They don’t see hard edges and strong features that never really existed. They hear a voice that has the right intonation if not the right pitch. The world believes me to be another cisgender woman. In my heart and soul I know myself as trans. I am invisible in my visibility.

Trans children’s programming?

Like most kids in this country, mine are glued to Disney Channel, Nickelodeon, and Cartoon Network. Recently though I have noticed more and more instances of crossdressing in the live action shows as well as the cartoons.

When I was a kid I remember Bugs Bunny occasionally dressing like a girl. But other than that I don’t recall many cartoons that had situations involving crossdressers. There were sitcoms that featured crossdressing like Bosom Buddies. However not too many kids shows.

Nowadays, even Sponge Bob dons woman’s clothes. A recent episode of the new Speed Racer show had Speed and his brother Rex go drag in order to get by security guards. In the new Nickelodeon show Bucket and Skinner’s Epic Adventures, both protagonists dressed as girls to attend a party.

But the most surprising show is The Amazing World of Gumball on Cartoon Network. Gumball, who is male, gets stuck having to wear a dress to school after his dad shrinks all of his clothes doing laundry. While dressed he begins to enjoy the attention he gets being a girl. It’s not until his best friend starts to become attracted to him (he doesn’t know that the ‘girl’ is Gumball) that he starts to have second thoughts. That comes close to being the most trans situation I have ever seen in a mainstream children’s program.

I know that most of these situations are played for laughs. However, many of them are done without the overdone slapstick elements of the past. Is children’s programming becoming more trans friendly? Only time will tell.

A side note:
This current trend of crossdressed characters has not escaped my wife’s attention. I think she believes it is a conspiracy designed to remind her that I am trans no matter what she watches on tv. For her even children’s shows are not safe.

A little girly time…

My last post was a bit heavy so I thought I’d tone it down a bit.

I really want to take a moment and send a shout out to my friend Becky. She was the first person I reached out to when I realized I was trans. She pegged me as transexual from the first words out of my mouth. Needless to say she scared the ever-loving shit out of me. I fought it right up to acceptance. And for that I am so grateful to her. Had I not tried to fight it I would not have come to a greater understanding of myself.

I am truly blessed and proud to call her my big sister. We once met briefly as our old selves. A chance meeting that had implications beyond anything I could have imagined. I look forward to the day we can meet as ourselves, true and whole. (I have to pause for a tissue, 🙂 )

Also, I did get my ears pierced last night and they look wonderful. I can hardly wait until I can wear some nice dangly earrings. My wife didn’t seem to mind when I got home (she knew beforehand) and the boys thought I looked like a ‘cool’ dad.

Blood test and physical is still set for Thursday. I’ll post how it went later.

I plan on taking my first skirt down to a local tailor to have it fitted this weekend. I lost too much weight and I still love it (it’s the one that shows off my legs the best).

Now, if I can talk my wife into letting me try on the cute outfit she just bought, I’ll be set.