The big E and other things

I saw my Endo earlier this week. He looked me over and asked how I was. I said ok, except for a cracked tooth that had started to hurt really bad. We talked a bit about my transition to this point. He asked about my wife and kids. I didn’t lie. I said things have been strained between my wife and I. We have been dealing with stuff related to the kids and the house so we haven’t talked a lot about our situation. He asked about my meds and I let him know I have been sticking strictly to my dosages. No self experimentation. I didn’t want to skew my baseline test results.

Yay, my test results… I had been upped to 2mg estradiol and dropped to 100mg spiro for the last 3 1/2 weeks. This was supposed to be my first major test. The first result he looked at was my general blood chemistry. I am a little anemic and the white cell count was elevated a bit. We chalked that up to a possible infection in my tooth. Then he checked the testosterone readings. 202, below normal for a genetic male. Woohoo! I dropped almost a hundred points from when I was on 200mg spiro. Progress. He mentioned upping me back to 200mg, but decided to keep me the same for another month. Then the estrogen results. He paused and actually said ‘wow’. “Your body seems to absorb estrogen very well. I have some patients on higher dosages that don’t have close to your results.” 375 was my score. I’m not sure where that puts me but it’s way higher than he expected. My friend Sarah once said I would be dangerous when I started E. She was right. My doctor promptly said he would authorize doubling my estradiol dosage to 4mg. I agreed. I go back in a month for another blood test for maintenance.

You are probably wondering about all the effects I’m getting. The pores on my face have closed a bit more and my face is really starting to smooth out. Some of the hair growth on my body has slowed down or disappeared. The hair on my head is wavier, thicker and a whole lot softer. I wish it was a bit longer though. I have trouble pinning it back so it stays out of my eyes. My finger nails seem to grow a bit faster but they crack easier. My eyesight has changed somewhat. I may need new glasses depending on how the new doses effect my eyes. Emotionally I am still in a place where I feel calm. I have not turned into the emotional wreck everybody told me I would. Finally what everybody really wants to know about, my breasts. Yes they have grown again. For a while they seemed to go dormant. I have gotten another half inch in my chest plus they started to even out more. The circumference is a tad larger too. Now they are starting to look like proper breasts and not ‘man boobs’.Hurray! Unfortunately they are getting harder to hide.

This morning I had to get a root canal on that cracked tooth. Yup, it was infected. I love my new dentist. She is amazing and very caring. The office staff is the most professional and friendly I have ever seen. They treated me nicely and with respect. Everyone used all the correct pronouns! To them I was just another female patient. I have never enjoyed going to the dentist but this has come the closest.

Tonight I got a message from a woman who attends my trans support group. She is just starting out and in fact came to our last meeting presenting as female for the first time in public. She is very shy and has trouble shopping for clothes. She asked me if I would like to go with her sometime soon. Oh hell yes! I may be out of money this month but I’m not going to turn down a chance to window shop for myself and lend support to a friend. I’m wondering though how I suddenly became some trans fashion icon. Lately I have been getting nice comments on my clothing. To me it’s nothing special, kind of plain really. A few nice blouses, some t’s and cami’s, couple dresses, and pencil skirts. I practically live in pencil skirts. Oh, of course one all purpose pair of skinny jeans. Ignore the fuschia miniskirt, please.

It’s strange. I now have more friends than before my transition. Just being able to be myself has made that very easy. If this was truly an act or a phase I don’t think that would be possible. It wasn’t possible for me before. I had only a few close friends and most of those were from work. They knew me better than most because of my work which in turn made them want to get to know me better. Nowadays people like me because the real me is more accessible. People don’t always have to meet me in one circumstance and then decide to take the relationship further. It really helps to be happy, truly happy with myself. Others sense that and are drawn to it. I always felt broken, unlike able , unlovable. You had to drag me out of my shell to decide whether or not you could take being my friend.

The new me is quite a bit nicer and easier to get along with. I still have one huge character flaw though. Get me talking and I can’t stop. Which is why I’m stopping here before I butcher this post some more 🙂

My public “outing”

I finally broke down and took the day off to have some medical tests done. They should have been done weeks ago but circumstances did not permit it. Because I take blood pressure medication as well as spironolactone my doctor and endocrinologist are worried about my potassium and serum protein levels. Potassium messes with my heart, and serum protein levels are indicators of kidney function. Both were very high a few months ago. If my kidneys are having trouble my endo will not allow me to take estrogen and might take me off spiro. Not good.

So I dressed in a salmon v neck t-shirt and a navy pleated skirt. Because my appointment was at 11:00am I decided to get my hair trimmed first. I had been trying to grow my hair out but the wife was not
liking it one bit. I can understand why. It was getting harder to look like a guy at home. Anyhow the ends needed trimming and evening out.

My hair dresser has known for about 6 months that I am trans. So it was no big deal when I showed up at the salon en femme. When I mentioned what I needed done she got to work. I think we chatted too much because my hair got shorter than I had initially wanted it. Two things went through my mind; oh lord how long is it going to take to grow it back? and how am I going to look like a woman until it does? Well, my hairdresser knows her stuff. She dried it and fluffed it a bit and amazingly it was a really cute girl cut. Short but cute. Satisfied I hopped in the car for the drive to the medical center.

First I hit the supermarket nearby for some water and a bite to eat. I think I freaked out an older woman when I picked up a case of bottled drinking water with less effort than the store clerk helping her out. I grabbed some sliced apples and checked out. I took the opportunity to practice my girl voice on the cashier. Not too bad. I remembered to smile and be polite. Believe me both go a long way when trying to pass. I ate my apple slices and drank some water on the way to the medical office.

Ok, I checked in at the desk and handed the clerk my insurance card. He asked to see a photo ID. I got a strange look when he tried to compare my driver’s license photo to
me. He then handed everything back along with a urine specimen jar and instructed me on where to go next. I went upstairs and sat in a crowded room waiting for my blood pressure test. A woman came in the room a bit later and called out my birth name, the more masculine form. I got up and everyone turned to look. Even though I prepared myself for this kind of situation it was still embarrassing. The woman who called my name looked at me standing in front of her and she called it out again. More stares. I said “I’m “. She blushed really bad and appologized as she led me to a private cube. As she took my blood pressure she asked how long it had been since I started dressing as a woman. I explained that I had started my transition only about 4 months ago. She said I looked very good and my blood pressure was also considerably better since my last test. Then she gave me a number to call so I could get a new insurance card with Rachel on it. That was a really nice gesture on her part. I was sent back downstairs for the urine sample and a blood test.

By now I was ready to have my name called again. First I hit the designated ladies room for the urine test. Good thing I drank the water before coming there. After the deed was done I sat down yet again to wait. The med tech did the ‘ignore the woman standing in front of him and call out the name again’ thing. Even more stares. Some of disbelief, especially the tech. He also asked for my driver’s license before he would take my blood. With all the tests done and being outed to two different waiting rooms I went to lunch with a friend.

After lunch I went shopping. I bought a nice grey full length winter skirt and my first pair of girl’s skinny jeans. I also found some really cute boots but they were a bit expensive.

On a whim I looked up the office of an electrologist I had researched months ago. Her office was close to the mall I was at so I went to talk to her. I made my first electrolysis appointment for November first. I’ll write about that later.

All in all a fairly productive day. Except for the trip to the medical center I was treated like a woman the entire day. Going out is getting easier and easier. I am also getting more bold using the ladies restrooms and changing rooms. If I decide to go full time I know I can survive as a woman In this world. The greatest gift I have given myself is the confidence that I can live as the person I truly am.

Girl talk: Purses

I used to dread shopping with my wife even before we were married. Luckily she’s the kind of woman that hates to shop. She knows what she wants, grabs it, tries it on, buys it or puts it back for another size.

Because she’s fast and determined she can’t be tied down with a purse. You guessed it, here I come, purse holder guy. “Here hold this, I’ll be right back”. That was my cue to stand there looking dumb holding her purse. If I was lucky I might have a companion in the same boat. We could chat about how stupid purses are and why our women have to carry them. Plus, they can be quite heavy. My wife once complained about her arms getting flabby. I thought “How?!?!, you lug 30lbs of crap with you every day”.

WELL, I changed my tune. I love my purse. It holds all my shit in one place. Wallet, phone, keys, makeup, makeup brushes, more makeup, tissues, pen, pad, hairbrush, multi-tool, compact mirror, chapstick, Tylenol, mini flashlight, mound of change…..etc. No more do I have to sit lopsided on my thick wallet. No more do I have to jingle jangle with keys and change bulging out of my pocket. No more do I worry that my bar of soap slick iphone will just slide out of my pocket while getting out of the car. God made purses so you can stand around carrying every necessity you could possible need and keep your hands free while looking for more stuff to cram into it.

I love my purse(s)! I forgot to mention that you can’t just have one. Oh no! You must have at least a dozen to match that one particular outfit or fit that one special occasion that’s so special you’ll never get to use that purse again. Wife to the rescue! Just borrow the ones she never uses. Now I have to go buy outfits to match them.

Quickie: anxiety

Anxiety is going to the mall with your kids and Anne Taylor has the cutest outfit in the window and you can’t try it on without outing yourself

Really quick post. Some shout outs

Really really quick. I did a bit of mall ratting yesterday while waiting for my glasses to be fixed. I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you to the folks at Macy’s, Anne Taylor, Sephora, and White House/Black Market. Even though I was presenting most male, the sales people treated my nicely and with respect. The helped me find some really nice things and trying them on was no problem. In Anne Taylor I even noticed another trans woman shopping there (she clocked me as trans by the way).
Bravo to these stores and their employees. It’s hard enough being trans without being hassled trying to make an honest purchase. I will be a customer for life. Although a bit poorer :-). Ok, everything I bought was on sale.
-Rachel “The Frugal CD”