An odd twist

There are a few women that I work with who seemed uncomfortable when I started presenting as female. I got this look like “how dare you pretend to be a woman”.

Then there were the little snippets of gossip that got back to me. “He’s embarrassing himself and the rest of us by playing dressup”. “He’s just doing this for the attention.” Our vendors/customers/coworkers are all going to be freaked out because of him”.

Well for one I am serious about this and now they know it. It’s been almost 2 months and except for my anniversary I have been very consistent in my presentation. Second, I did this for my own well being not for attention (although the attention I get now is welcome because it’s genuine). Third, I have had numerous face to face meetings with out vendors. Some of whom knew me as my guy self. Except for a few surprised looks, they have treated me with respect. I have also been introduced to customers as a woman; just like every other woman in the sales department. They do not look at me like I am some freak.

Now two months later I have started to notice new things. I heard from one friend that people thought I was dressing too nice. They wanted me to dress more casual instead of business like. Well the women in the office seem to be stepping up. I’ve seen more dresses and skirts this month than in the entire 4+ years I have been there. One of my girl friends from work told me at lunch one day that I am making some of the women feel less feminine. I have noticed more eyeliner, mascara, lipstick and styled hair around the office (on the women). How did the guy who was playing dressup become a threat to womanhood?

What is feminine?

I was trying to practice my female voice and I started to think about what is femininity? As crossdressers we strive to mastering the things which make us feel and act more feminine. We change our voices, mannerisms, appearance and clothes to present a feminine image. CDs invest hours of their time to develop a presentation so good we hopefully can pass for a real woman. There are times I look into the mirror and see and feel the beautiful woman come out. Sometimes I have a hard time. I can only see the man trying desperately trying to be that woman. I wonder what would have happened if I had been diagnosed as trans when I was young. I could have started transition before puberty locked me more completely into the gender I have been living for almost 50 years. That girl might have grown up to be the woman I think I am. She could have been slim and graceful with long flowing hair. Store clerks wouldn’t think twice if she bought lingerie or dresses. An understanding man might have caught her heart and married her even if she couldn’t have children of her own. Most people wouldn’t have questioned her femininity. Alas, that did not happen.
I know have to learn about femininity myself. Crossdressers and trans women are told to watch other woman and mimic their gestures, expressions and speech. But which women do you want to mimic? Which woman can teach you the secrets of being feminine? Is it the twenty something college student intent on getting her degree and possibly hooking up with a cute guy for some fun on the weekend. Could it be the lonely looking elderly woman waiting for her husband to come back with an ice-cream cone?Or the other older woman bringing the ice-cream cone to her husband in the wheelchair? How about the mother in her masculine business dress glued to her cellphone? Her daughter following behind her texting incessantly while wearing clothes that would make Brittany Spears blush? The overweight Latina mom in spandex and a tshirt that says”I’m to sexy for this shirt”? Or the elegant Asian woman in expensive clothes strutting by with her equally well dressed husband/boyfriend? Could it be the sad looking middle aged woman who is trying her best to look younger while she stomps around in heels when she would be more comfortable in flats? All of these women are feminine in their own ways. Not necessarily in the classic or stereotypical way we might define feminine.
Sometimes I think that we CDs and other transgendered woman create highly stylized versions of what we believe to be femininity. We tread a fine line between appearing like uber femmes or even parodies of real woman. If you prance around exaggerating your movements and gestures while giggling like a schoolgirl, stop. Ask your wife, SO, or trusted female friend how you look. You might get an answer you might not like to hear. Don’t despair you might just learn something 🙂