Popping in really quick. It’s now been two years since I started going out as myself. Two years…wow. I’ve made many friends and lost a couple too. My wife and I are still together. My daughter accepts me more every day. I have even come out to my oldest son. He said that I have to do what I have to to be happy and it is ok with him. We still have a lot more to talk about. As for my youngest, soon I think.
Wow, January was my last post. It’s been a while. Lets see since then a few things have happened. My transition has stalled, my marriage has stalled, my daughter got a job, I’ve been on hormones almost 6 months, and I left the trans community.
Oh, that last part. Well it had to do a lot with the proceeding parts. I realized I was spending a good portion of my time in trans space. Much of it in personal interactions and behind the scenes stuff. My own transition was going nowhere. I wasn’t growing into my self as a woman. Plus spending all this time on the computer or on my smartphone I was ignoring my spousal duties and my fatherly obligations. So I left. A little fanfare on my Facebook page and it was done. I was going to just repost it here but that seemed cheap. Especially to those who have followed me off and on since I started this journal.
In the time since then my daughter got a job at a lingerie/ adult costume shop. Many of her best customers are strippers, transvestities, and drag queens. It’s the trans customers that have helped my daughter understand my situation a little better. I found out later that she had met a girl at her high school that started her transition. This girl explained a number of things to my daughter that she had a hard time asking me. She is still a bit uncomfortable with me fully dressed but being a bit more femme than normal seems ok. She has even had conversation with her mother about the whole situation. All around my daughter has been very supportive. Something I honestly never thought would happen.
Recently I made time to go see my dad in Arizona. Many of my friends warned me not to go as Rachel. They thought it would be cruel to dump this on him since he is in bad health and slowly succumbing to dementia. It was these very reasons that drove me to go. I wanted him to know ME before he wasn’t able too. I almost couldn’t go into his apartment in the assisted living place he lives at. I did go in. I did explain in simple terms why I look the way I do. He got it and he accepts me as myself, his daughter.
After that amazing trip I decided to really work on my marriage and family life. We are going through some harsh financial times right now. I’m needed more at home than ever before. I still don’t know if my wife and I will be together at the end of all this but I can hope. I remember people telling me two years ago it would never work out. My wife would leave or tell me to get out. Right now she is sitting across the room checking our youngest son’s homework folder. Things may not be perfect but we live in the same house and sleep in the same bed. That must count for something.
I wish to thank those readers old and new that have found this little place I carved out for my thoughts. I don’t plan on leaving completely however I won’t be back anytime soon. I will respond to comments when I have time. I owe you all that much. Maybe if things get better I might drop in from time to time. We’ll see.
Life is calling and I must go. Huge hugs to you all and goodbye for now.
I have a friend I met through this very blog. Her name is Becky and she lives nearly 6000 miles away in Scotland. However through the magic of the Internet we have become quite close. We communicate through Facebook and occasionally we can meet face to face through Skype. But there are times we wished we lived closer. The times one of us needs a hug or pat on the back. Even a run to the nearby pub for a pint and some crisps.
Becky is Trans* and rightly deserves that little gold star. Today is her first anniversary of coming out as herself. She lost her marriage over it but her wife has still remained her friend. She also got her masters degree in a foreign country while managing to co parent her two youngest boys. Becky claims to hate roller coasters but I would say she has learned to ride them like a pro.
Last night she got word that another trans* woman in her circle attempted suicide. Becky true to form has kept in touch with this woman to make sure she is ok. In a world where everyone seems to be looking out for themselves she stands apart.
Since this blog is about me I bet your wondering why I started out talking about Becky. Well, I too had my coming out anniversary this month. It’s been two years since my coming out to my wife. These last two years have not been easy for either of us. But we are still together. We both went through a year of me discovering myself all over again. A process which is at odds with our catholic faith and a lifetime of being told how things should be. It’s been a year and a half since I started to live a double life as a woman at work and as dad and husband at home. We have fought and cried over me being trans (sorry plain for me, I’m not that special). In fact it’s just over a year since I formally announced my transition. Anyone that has read this blog for a while knows I have been on testosterone blockers since then. I started very small doses of estrogen last summer. About five months ago I let my wife know that I began to take a full transitional dosage of estrogen. That was a night I would love to forget.
Today my hair is just over shoulder length. More times than not I have it in a pony tail. My face and body more feminine. My youngest son has been with me when I have been addressed as a woman more times than to be mere coincidence. In fact I have a part time job doing IT work as myself. My wonderful wife now looks me in the face when we talk. We can hug and she doesn’t flinch. But for all these things life has been a struggle.
This afternoon we were informed that our food stamps have been rescinded. It seems I make too much money. We have no Internet and tv since we are behind on our bill. We are struggling to figure out how to pay our car insurance. The final settlement check from our lawsuit with the former landlord came today. My cousin informed me this afternoon that my father fell again and broke a rib. Now I may have to find a way to move my dad to a VA home. I am at home with whatever this horrible viral thing that has spread through my work. And my wife has still not found a job yet. This may seem like a lot of whining on my part, however I am surprised at how we are taking in all of this. No panic, no accusations, my kids aren’t blaming me for the loss of YouTube and Xbox live.
Our family is showing its resilience and strength. And in some ways it surprises the heck out of me. I shouldn’t be that surprised though. Becky wouldn’t be surprised at all. Her constant reminders of what a good parent I am and what an even more patient and loving spouse I have been bolster me through these tough times. I also know she would tell me I deserve a little gold star too.
I’ve been lacking in inspiration lately for posts. However, a couple conversations, some friend’s blog posts, and a nomination for a Liebster Blog Award kinda woke me up.
I wanted to express some things rattling around in this thick skull of mine. It’s about HRT and fear. You see most trans women don’t fear HRT. They anticipate it, crave it, desire it, WANT it. It took me a long time to even consider it. Even when I did, I started at the lowest dose I could get.
My dosage has been increased every couple of months by very small amounts. Recently,I through choice, have accelerated my dosage (with my endocrinologist). I am now at a pre injection dosage of 8mg a day of Estrodiol, 100mg of spiro. When I look back at my reasoning for making the increases it was more like “oh well I guess I should try a little more” or “everyone else I know is already at a much higher dosage so why not”. My last increase from 6mg to 8mg took less than two weeks. I asked for it. I started to want it.
It was more like my body wanted it. I can only describe it like this: my body knew it had been deprived of something it needed and it was trying to fulfill that need. I did not decide to take Estrogen for all the things most trans women do (breasts, skin, hair, emotions). I take it because I feel right. More right than I have in 48 years. Sure the other things are wonderful too, but not necessarily as important to me.
What I didn’t expect is that feeling right has had other effects. I don’t ‘feel’ like a woman, I am. I don’t ‘feel’ euphoria about my body matching my mind. I feel power. Raw power. Confidence in myself. I feel the power in my sexuality. I have a presence. People know when I walk into the room. I have an urge to own that room, dominate it.
The woman I am becoming is no wallflower. I am feminine but not a girly girl. I have become ferociously competitive. All this is what scares me. That a few chemicals doesn’t just change me physically. It changes or enhances the core of my being. I took a long time to decide what kind of woman I thought I wanted to be. My body and mind have been freed to become the woman I should have been. I am not sure I like this me as much. I feel like the Phoenix erupting into life. In the flames of my birth I see a swath of destruction in my path. Friendships lost. My Dad lost. My family burned and my marriage broken. Hearts torn out and crushed. All in the service of becoming.
I try to temper this change. I meditate and attempt cultivate my emotions. I try to be the best friend I can. I am there when my kids need me. I still love my wife with all my heart. I try to remain compassionate to those around me. Still there is a sense that I am evolving into something else. The Phoenix.
I posted a reply on a friend’s Facebook page today. I said “transition has made my life more complicated but I have never felt so whole in my entire life.”
A very true statement. I am who I am, whole and complete. Even though I have only been on Estrogen a few months and haven’t even had much electrolysis, I feel like the woman who has lived in my head for years.
My wife comments every so often about how much time and effort I spend on transition. The thing is, once I came to terms with my feelings and got rid of the major doubts, this has been very easy.
I’m not saying I don’t work on things. I exercise and take better care of myself. I do practice my voice. I try different looks. I even learned how to do my own nails quite well.
However, I don’t obsess on those things. They have just become part of my life. Just like they are part of the lives of many women (except the voice part). The truth is the process is damned easy. Almost too easy. My mannerisms, interactions, and dress seem natural not forced. Hormones change my body in ways nature didn’t. Just a few pills and ‘wallah!’ a girl starts to look back at me from the mirror. I was supposed to be a woman and now my body and mind are free to become her.
There is still him. He exists inside like always. We are one. I rejoice in that. I draw upon him at times and it gives me strength. It becomes a fusion of male and female power that is incredible. Neither negates the other like some would believe. There is no true binary anymore. It’s sad to think that only a lucky few like me may ever experience it.
I thought of quitting this blog today. Actually the last few days. In fact I have had many thoughts about quitting everything. Things have just gone too wrong for me.
Saturday, I agreed to help a friend from my support group buy some outfits. She had a wonderful time and got some amazing dresses. I was glad I could help in some way. No one did anything like that for me and I wasn’t going to let someone else have to go through what I did.
As a result of leaving to help my friend, my wife got pissed off at me. We took too long. My phone died and I didn’t get her frantic texts. A lot of things happened that fall squarely on my shoulders. I own my mistakes and have to live with the consequences. In the process I may have destroyed a lot of what I have worked to preserve.
All this combined with one of the worst Mondays in history. I made a mistake. I messed up on a large order at work. For some reason I took this one hard, really hard. Most of the day was spent in a cloud of despair. Add to this a newfound sensitivity to pronouns and I was a wreck.
I am feeling isolated and abandoned. I wonder if the words I write are worth it. If they make a difference.
Too many of my friends come and go. Relationships change even more than I am. My hormones are starting to effect me more. Physically as well as mentally. In some ways the changes of the past year and a half mean nothing compared to this. I know I can handle what they are doing to me. I just don’t know if I can handle what those changes are doing to everyone else in my life. I embraced change in order to survive; in the process I am forcing change on all who come in contact with me. That’s a heavy burden I was not prepared to take on. For the first time since I accepted transition I fear the future.
I can’t quit though. I might lose too much if myself if I do. In the end I might be all that is left.
I saw my Endo earlier this week. He looked me over and asked how I was. I said ok, except for a cracked tooth that had started to hurt really bad. We talked a bit about my transition to this point. He asked about my wife and kids. I didn’t lie. I said things have been strained between my wife and I. We have been dealing with stuff related to the kids and the house so we haven’t talked a lot about our situation. He asked about my meds and I let him know I have been sticking strictly to my dosages. No self experimentation. I didn’t want to skew my baseline test results.
Yay, my test results… I had been upped to 2mg estradiol and dropped to 100mg spiro for the last 3 1/2 weeks. This was supposed to be my first major test. The first result he looked at was my general blood chemistry. I am a little anemic and the white cell count was elevated a bit. We chalked that up to a possible infection in my tooth. Then he checked the testosterone readings. 202, below normal for a genetic male. Woohoo! I dropped almost a hundred points from when I was on 200mg spiro. Progress. He mentioned upping me back to 200mg, but decided to keep me the same for another month. Then the estrogen results. He paused and actually said ‘wow’. “Your body seems to absorb estrogen very well. I have some patients on higher dosages that don’t have close to your results.” 375 was my score. I’m not sure where that puts me but it’s way higher than he expected. My friend Sarah once said I would be dangerous when I started E. She was right. My doctor promptly said he would authorize doubling my estradiol dosage to 4mg. I agreed. I go back in a month for another blood test for maintenance.
You are probably wondering about all the effects I’m getting. The pores on my face have closed a bit more and my face is really starting to smooth out. Some of the hair growth on my body has slowed down or disappeared. The hair on my head is wavier, thicker and a whole lot softer. I wish it was a bit longer though. I have trouble pinning it back so it stays out of my eyes. My finger nails seem to grow a bit faster but they crack easier. My eyesight has changed somewhat. I may need new glasses depending on how the new doses effect my eyes. Emotionally I am still in a place where I feel calm. I have not turned into the emotional wreck everybody told me I would. Finally what everybody really wants to know about, my breasts. Yes they have grown again. For a while they seemed to go dormant. I have gotten another half inch in my chest plus they started to even out more. The circumference is a tad larger too. Now they are starting to look like proper breasts and not ‘man boobs’.Hurray! Unfortunately they are getting harder to hide.
This morning I had to get a root canal on that cracked tooth. Yup, it was infected. I love my new dentist. She is amazing and very caring. The office staff is the most professional and friendly I have ever seen. They treated me nicely and with respect. Everyone used all the correct pronouns! To them I was just another female patient. I have never enjoyed going to the dentist but this has come the closest.
Tonight I got a message from a woman who attends my trans support group. She is just starting out and in fact came to our last meeting presenting as female for the first time in public. She is very shy and has trouble shopping for clothes. She asked me if I would like to go with her sometime soon. Oh hell yes! I may be out of money this month but I’m not going to turn down a chance to window shop for myself and lend support to a friend. I’m wondering though how I suddenly became some trans fashion icon. Lately I have been getting nice comments on my clothing. To me it’s nothing special, kind of plain really. A few nice blouses, some t’s and cami’s, couple dresses, and pencil skirts. I practically live in pencil skirts. Oh, of course one all purpose pair of skinny jeans. Ignore the fuschia miniskirt, please.
It’s strange. I now have more friends than before my transition. Just being able to be myself has made that very easy. If this was truly an act or a phase I don’t think that would be possible. It wasn’t possible for me before. I had only a few close friends and most of those were from work. They knew me better than most because of my work which in turn made them want to get to know me better. Nowadays people like me because the real me is more accessible. People don’t always have to meet me in one circumstance and then decide to take the relationship further. It really helps to be happy, truly happy with myself. Others sense that and are drawn to it. I always felt broken, unlike able , unlovable. You had to drag me out of my shell to decide whether or not you could take being my friend.
The new me is quite a bit nicer and easier to get along with. I still have one huge character flaw though. Get me talking and I can’t stop. Which is why I’m stopping here before I butcher this post some more 🙂
Well, recently my posts have been getting fewer and farther apart. I’ve been trying to work a lot out. Plus I have been doing projects around the house that have taken up a lot of my time. Hopefully I can get back to writing on a regular basis soon. Here is a post I wrote two weeks back and just got around to putting up here.
I had an interesting talk with a friend I made in my support group. The conversation was about feminine and masculine energy.
Male energy is used to dominate and defend. Female energy uses compassion and empathy. Everyone uses both forms of energy at times. However men who use female energy often are seen as soft. Women who use male energy sometimes come off as bitchy. Trans people use both but tend to lean towards the energy we were basically forced to use during our socialization.
During transition this mismatch of energy can cause confusion in those we interact with. This can hamper our integration into our target gender. A trans woman who gives off too much masculine energy can make people uneasy. When someone is uneasy with you that can lead to being outed. On the other hand overusing feminine energy can hurt too. It’s the sense of balance that we have to work hardest at.
I personally found out about this balance during group. I made a statement about how I have been treated very well by my medical insurance provider. Another woman threw in a suggestion that I can push them to change my gender in my records. Well, I mistook this suggestion as her insinuating I am not serious enough about my transition by allowing the medical provider to dictate how I am presented in my records. I shot back that I CHOOSE not to change my gender at this time. It was pointed out by my friend that I came off as a bit of a bitch at that moment. I was using my male energy to defend my position.
However not all was lost. My friend did point out to me that a group of transsexuals will generally upset the balance of energy. We are at so many different places in our transition that it is bound to happen.
As our conversation was wearing down (at around 2am) my friend turned to me. She told me that she believes that I have achieved a natural female balance with my energy. The more time she spends with me the more she can sense the woman in me and less of the man. That is what is going to help me make a successful transition. I value her opinion highly. She made her transition almost 30 years ago. And me, I’ve only been out 1 1/2 years, in transition officially less than a year. This gives me hope.
I have been a little stressed out since our legal adventure so I wanted to let off a little steam. There is a pub a few miles up the road from where I work that has a special gathering every Wednesday. The local game developers go there to hang out, party, and network. I miss the old days and hanging out with the gamer crowd, so I have gone a few times.
I had to get food for the family earlier so I was running a little late. I met my friend Corrine and her new girlfriend there. Rinn had just come out to her at dinner and fortunately things went very well. Disclosure for trans people is the hardest when telling someone who you want to have a relationship with. I have known of a few times when the disclosure went very badly. Rinn is lucky. Her girlfriend is an amazing person and she sees Rinn only as a girl. That is magical.
Then there is me, the middle aged woman and professional third wheel. I would like to point out that Corrine and I do pass well. The last time we went to this pub nearly every guy there was asking for her number. I worry a little about her because she can be utterly fearless. The last thing I wanted to happen was for her to get outed. For me it’s only a matter of time. There are a few of my old coworkers who attend this get together and I go to try and meet up with them. That in and of itself will out me.
Last night there was only one person I knew there. He actually works at the same place I do but it turns out I used to work with his best friend at Interplay. He knows about my transition and in fact he gave me a big hug. He didn’t stay very long because a few of his friends didn’t show up. So again, I was left wandering around the crowd making small talk.
Rinn’s girlfriend came and got me so we could head to the bar. Up until now I hadn’t had anything to drink so we went. She bought me a shot and a sippy kind if drink. There happened to be two rather drunk business men there who started hitting on us. The girls had an excuse to ignore them, they are a lesbian couple. So, after the guys got their jollies watching Rinn and her girlfriend make out they turned their attention on me. I tried to act cool and bit apologetic. They were getting a little insistent so I has to play the wedding ring card. Then I did something I swore once I wouldn’t do; I used the word spouse instead of wife. As in “my spouse wouldn’t like me flirting with strange men”. Then a strange thought came into my head. Even through heavy beer goggles they were hitting on me. Now I do like the way I look, but I don’t consider myself attractive enough for guys to start getting interested in me. This is new territory. I know what it’s like when guys who know about my transition react to me. Sometimes I confuse them. Sometimes I repulse them. These two guys have no clue about the trans stuff. As a result I actually felt a sense of validation as a woman.
A couple drinks later and we were back on the patio with the gamer crowd. More small talk. I started having conversations with some of the older crowd. We talked about our kids mostly. I just so happen to be very proud of my kids. And I am proud to be their father. So in a slightly less womanly fashion I jumped head first into the “my kids are more amazing than yours” pissing match with this group of guys. The best woman won.
Things started to break up a bit as it was getting later. By tradition the pub plays “Bohemian Rhapsody” at about 11pm and we hold shots and sing. At the end we drink. Cool tradition. Well I had to drive home and still had a bit of alcohol to burn off so me and the girls decided to dance for a bit. I had been talking to this nice Asian guy and I suddenly didn’t feel like dancing alone. So I said yes when he asked to dance with me. The first few songs were a bit of a blur. We were having a blast. Next thing I know the dj started playing “I’m sexy and I know it” by LMFAO and this guys hands are on my hips. Another new experience for me. I kind of enjoyed it.
You were probably wondering when the weird part was going to show up. Right about now. He spun me around and was dancing against my back and his hands were pulling my hips closer. Then they started moving a bit to close to the danger zone. Close call as I politely removed his hands from their roaming and moved them a bit higher. A bit too high it turns out because they started moving northward towards the peaks. Luckily the song ended and I was able to extricate myself. He thanked me for the dancing and gave me a hug and an unexpected little peck on the cheek. Good thing the dance floor was dark because I blushed bright enough to show through my foundation.
I felt strange afterwards. Here was this nice guy who wanted a dance and a little flirting. Here was me, a woman and yet not a woman, feeling like I led him on, fooled him in some way. All I know is that I did not want to hurt him. Unlike Corrine, I did not have to disclose anything to this person because it wasn’t going to go any further. But we both have felt the same things tonight, a twinge of fear and sense of relief. For her it was the fear that her girlfriend would leave once she found out. Relief that she accepted Rinn for who she is. For me it was fear of being discovered even by accident. Relief that I handled it well and came away with a nice memory and some validation of my womanhood.
After writing this I felt like I was missing something. I do not go out with the intent on hooking up with anyone, male or female. My wife knows I go as Rachel. I have asked her to go with me but she is not ready to be in public with me as a woman. A coworker, who is not very comfortable with my transition, told me that he thinks I like to play with people’s heads. In his opinion I get off on being a girl and I enjoy making people uncomfortable. Since then I have tried to be very conscious of how I present myself. As such I am starting to be more aware of my sense of femininity and feminine sexuality. I have met trans women who try to be as sexy as possible. They go completely overboard in their presentation. Stripper heels, fishnets, micro skirts, you name it. I admit I have a couple of sexier things in my wardrobe. Even my wife and daughter have a few of their own. Most women like to feel beautiful and attractive. I am no different. It’s just that I did not have a lifetime’s worth of experience in learning how to deal with being female. I make mistakes and I try and learn from them.
Today was one the the worst days in recent memory. We had our mediation with our former landlord. She is a bitch from hell. I can honestly say that we had prepared ourselves very well for this. However, she pulled out a ton of dirty tricks. Honesty and sincerity did not pay this time. But I could leave the table knowing we were right and she was wrong. We didn’t get what we deserved but we gave her a fight. At least all this is over and we can get on with our lives.
I have felt pretty awful today. It took a while before my stomach felt like taking food. I did have a nice lunch with my wife afterwards. We tried a new sandwich place nearby and the weather was nice enough to eat outside. She has been even more upset than me. I think she blames herself that we didn’t do better. It’s not her fault and I have been telling her all day.
This experience has brought us closer than we have been for a while. She even let me give her a hug in the middle of Target tonight Since I started to look less like her husband it’s been nearly impossible to even hold her hand in public. It’s a small step but one in the right direction.
Today was not a complete waste. I got a text from the girl I work closely with and the jerk who sits next to me gave his notice. He has been a source of stress and harassment since I came out. In fact I know several people have files HR complaints against him in the past few years. My coworker also let me know that I have been put back on her team full time. The last six months I have been dragged here and there. I was the girl who they counted on to pick up the slack and and help out other teams. Then I just became the one they dumped everything on. if someone wasn’t pulling their weight they weren’t told to get going; they just gave me the work because management knew it would get done. After a while you can only do so much. I know that my being trans makes me a target. I wanted to show everyone that I am not hiding behind my transsexuality. Being trans will never be an excuse to slack off.
I got another tidbit of good news today. My friend Corrine has met a girl who likes her. Rinn needs this. She has been so down recently for a number of reasons. I love Rinn, she reminds me so much of myself. We are two of a kind. However, her potential girlfriend does not know yet that Rinn is trans. She is going to tell this girl tomorrow. Corrine will be in my prayers tonight. If all goes well I will get to meet this girl too 🙂
Well, it’s midnight and I have a bath cap in my head. I finally got around to getting rid of my gray. I’m back to jet black again, hurray. I am also finishing off a piece of lemon meringue pie. Well there goes the gray and my waistline. Comfort food and vanity. Now I am off to rinse my hair and hit the pillow.
Thank you to everyone who supported us and sent their best wishes. It means a lot to my wife and I. We were able to avoid a full blown lawsuit and we did come out of this with a settlement. A weight has been lifted off our shoulders but healing may take a bit longer.
thefrugalcd 
Written
on December 6, 2012